Sports bra is so tight my cleavage starts at my chin
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I’m sorry your wife touches the elf on the shelf more than you.
I successfully predicted all my different cousin’s pregnancies before they announced it simply from observing them not drinking at family parties, which made me realize that my family are a bunch of goddamn drunks
me: ok I am gonna get on the roof to fix something
12, concerned: are you sure it will hold you?
Did you know that you can buy fake teeth online and just glue them to whatever the hell you want?
[picks up date]
*slides over hood of car* *slides off car onto another car* *slides off that one onto another car* *date looks at her watch*
You know how sharks die if they ever stop swimming?
It’s the same with my mother in law and talking.
(1:35pm) God: Yo Abraham
(1:37pm) Abe: sup
(1:38pm) God: Need u to kill ur son
(1:42pm) Abe: k(4:02pm) God: jk lol
(4:10pm) God: u there?
me, one hour into the “no solid food for three weeks” thinkin about pizza
Nicki Minaj washes off her Halloween make up to reveal Lady Gaga who washes her face to reveal Madonna who washes her face to reveal an Emu.
Fun fact: you don’t need to be naked to thumb wrestle. Or oiled up
the “don’t confuse your google search with my medical degree” thing is especially funny to me bc i’ve seen my doctors google my symptoms in appointments
Tom Cruise is short for tomato filled cruise ship
I’m having stuff I ordered delivered to an Amazon hub for pickup, but I didn’t realize you have to give them your Amazon username. So, I’m going to have to walk in and say, “Picking up a package for Lamont Sanford’s Friend Rollo.”
After a failed college project to fight hunger, Clark decided to focus on fighting crime and thereby dropping a p from Supperman.
there are three types of writers;
1) those who plot their books
2) those who discover their plot along the way
3) those who know what will happen but their book is a bit feral still, needs a bath, has bitten and will bite again
I always take a different store’s tote bags when I go grocery shopping so they don’t get the idea we’re exclusive or anything.
Just think, if Aristotle would have been a cow, today we’d all be studying meadowphysics.
I used to feel sorry for people eating lunch by themselves but now I feel sorry for the people eating lunch with other people.
My kids are arguing over who gets to bring the garbage cans in, proving, once again, that kids will fight about anything.
Reverse interview. Here is my answer: “No”
Now, ask me the question
Loan officer: What’s your social?
Me: Mostly Twitter, sometimes Facebook when I want to see what my friends and family are fighting about.
I bet homophobic guys get reincarnated into condoms.
A remake of The Ring, except it’s Jeff Goldblum joyfully crawling out of your TV.
If you want to keep people away from you, just have a conversation with yourself at the supermarket self checkout, like there’s an employee there:
Me: Did you find everything you need today?
Me: Yes, thank you.
Me: Whatchu got planned for today?
Me: Just relaxing
Phew
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Phew ✔
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PhewThe Chosen Phew
VIRUS PRO TIP: DO NOT use your hands to press elevator buttons, etc. The virus can be transmitted onto your fingers which in turn can get you sick. I’ve found using my tongue works better bc theres no way it can get onto your hands
The best trick to ordering pizza is asking them not to cut it. By law, they can only charge you for one slice.
Got up at 6:30am today. Did some yoga. Had a protein shake. Ran six miles. Started lying about everything.
“This is the fourth lot of bacon to go missing this week. It can only mean one thing.”
“What’s that Sarge?”
“Someone’s building a pig.”
*in the cinema, quietly reading the book of the movie*