ME: funny how there’s no 13th floor to avoid bad luck
WIFE: yeah, but also, this is a three-storey building
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How much is appropriate to tip the police officer who opens the squad car door for you?
*me flirting
THERAPIST: You need more friends
ME: I put bird seed that attracts raccoons in the backyard, last week
THERAPIST: …
ME: …
THERAPIST: … So all of these-
ME: [surrounded by raccoons] Whatever you have to say to me, you can say in front of the garbage boys
I’ve been shelling pistachios for 3 hours now, I have 9.
This is why science literacy is so important, kids.
True dat! 😂😂😂😂
Him: How many glasses of wine have you had today?
Me: One, but it was in the shape of a giant bottle.
Is it just me, or do toasters have like 4 settings too many? They should have 1 setting that reads: “Toast”
barista calling out order: Gee Off
Geoff: It’s Geoff. I watched you write it on my cup as I spelled it out to you not five minutes ago
barista: nice try, Gee Off
A woman could tweet “My dog just died” and she would get replies like “Well, I’m not dead ;)”
Trix are for kids, but when my favorite rabbit gets together with the Energizer bunny it’s grownup time.
JUDGE: I may send u to jail. But if u act less condescending, I’ll let u go free
ME [waving goodbye to my family] u mean condescendingLY
[first day in gang]
LEADER: ya gotta be street-smart
ME: oh i am
LEADER: prove it
ME: *names every street in city*
LEADER: holy shit
I made my preteen wear long pants in freezing weather this morning and subsequently ruined his “street cred”
If I was a police sketch artist I wouldn’t listen to the victim. I’d draw a majestic gay dragon then flip it over and be all, “Is this him.”
Praying for someone else’s sins is the ultimate “I’d like to speak to the manager”
Person I tried to rob describing me to the police:
“long hair, wearing pajamas, honestly she didn’t seem very committed to it.”
So tired this morning that I think I tried to make a call with a Pop-Tart.
Remember back in the good old days when someome looked at you wrong, all you had to do was call them a witch and POOF problem solved
Executioner: say your last words
Me: your last words
Executioner: I’m gonna enjoy this one
them: PTSD
my brain: Pacific Time Standard Disorder
Whoa, whoa whoa…
I only lick people on the street when I need them to get out of my way.
Asked my height at the doctor’s office today. I confidently told the nurse 6 feet (as I have my entire adult life), and she responded with, “Well, I’m getting 5’11-and-a-half” in the obliviously cheery tone of someone who’s decided to rip somebody’s life apart on a Friday morning
sometimes i tell myself “jessica you need to stop drinking” but then i remember my name isn’t jessica
[runs inside of a gas station]
“I NEED TO USE YOUR BATHROOM! IT’S AN EMERGENCY!”
*takes a selfie in the bathroom mirror for an IG # game
Why do I hear my husband encouraging our youngest to be a goalie? Is my anxiety not quite crippling enough for him?
wife: what’s wrong?
slug: boss said I work slowly.
wife: he’s harsh. take it with a grain of-
slug: TAKE IT WITH A GRAIN OF WHAT, DIANE?
They say the cheetah is the fastest land animal, but nobody has ever clocked a parent whose child called for a plunger from within the bathroom.
police: EMPTY YOUR POCKETS, SLOWLY!
me, wearing cargo shorts: *pulls out 2 burger wrappers* THIS MIGHT TAKE A WHILE *pulls out a doll shoe & floss*
Much like Apple products, I also, am only compatible with myself.