Me: Day 5,308. The search for intelligent life continues..
Coworker: You know we can hear you, right?
Me: Still no signs…
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My wife and I toss a coin to settle our arguments. If the coin comes down, she wins, if it stays suspended in air forever, I win.
Just remember Mom, you can’t spell “disappointment” without “appointment” which reminds me I have to be at Hooters at 9 for my interview.
microwave: gonna cook it
me: no please. just defrost the chicken.
microwave: ok i’ll do both
[1st date]
Me: [putting my jacket over my dates shoulders]
Her: “Thank you but I’m not cold”
Me: [covering her awful dress] “Yes you are”
There’s no such thing as “elevator etiquette” buddy. Just enjoy your back scratch.
My kid keeps asking why we don’t decorate outside for Halloween and I’m tempted to buy a bunch of posterboard and just write the scariest things I can think of on it….like “daycare is calling you at work right before a big presentation,” or “Check Engine light comes on”.
are you a female guitar player with a breathy, annoying voice? congratulations Starbucks will play your music, no questions asked
law professor: you’re currently failing your ethics class
me: *slides a $20 across the desk* how about now
I might consider rejoining the Catholic church if the Pope knew karate. Otherwise forget it.
5: Let’s play house, mommy. You be the baby. I’ll be the mommy.
Me: OK
5: It’s night-night time. Go to sleep, baby!
Me: *Kicks, screams, fusses*
5: This isn’t how the game goes, mommy. I’m the mommy, so you have to listen.
Me: Oh, honey, this is *exactly* how the game goes.
The movie scene where discarded clothes lead to lovers in bed, except it’s my clothes leading to my wife picking them up and cursing me.
You burn more calories chasing after your cat than you get from eating it. It’s the celery of pets.
alladin: do u trust me
jasmine: i’ve only known you for 2 hours
a: so u don’t wanna jump off this rooftop
j: lemme ask my tiger first
Eating pancakes and bacon when I forget to put my teeth in is just not the same.
4-year-old: We’re playing Star Wars. I’m a Jedi and Mom is a stormtrooper.
Me: What am I?
4-year-old: In the way.
Just opened a Christmas card and a Yorkshire Pudding fell out.
I love my Aunt Bessie.
A squirrel just tried to break into my house,
I’ve gotta find another tree
My ex has made me dinner..
*gives a bit to the dog first*
My Secret Santa gave me a McDonald’s gift card because they took one look at me.
Tried to be sly and shove the whole cookie in my mouth without him seeing me.
Then he turned around and asked me a question.
Special shout out to the CIA, who were pouring cold water on people BEFORE the “ice bucket challenge” made it cool
What kind of therapist does a cat see?
A pspspsychologist
My mom is coming over to watch the Super Bowl so at least I won’t be the only one here asleep by halftime.
I can’t imagine the things this hotel air conditioner has seen.
ME: do you like it better when I part it down the middle or when I tease it out with styling mousse
HER: how about we just shave your back instead
i’m just a girl, standing in front of a fan, talking into it so i sound like a robot.
I’m dealing with my anger issues one chicken wing at a time.
Scavenger Hunt Party
Give your guests a list of all the things you can’t find and set them loose in your home.
Bathrooms have Changed from being a Singing Studio, to a Photo Studio.