Random dm guy: What are you wearing?
Me: A scathing look of disdain
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Finally, an explanation.
Me: [when I like someone on Twitter] you’re a wonderful human being and I love you
Me: [when I like someone in real life] *velociraptor noises*
A guy on the street just said “nice feet” to me can someone tell me seriously if that was a cat call?
I don’t think this app is working properly, I’m like barely getting any matches.
Paid rent so I’ll be at home enjoying my purchase for the rest of the week.
King Charles should make Sir Elton and Sir Paul joust.
The good thing about having a glass shower door is that you’ll be able to see when someone is about to Norman Bates you.
airline clerk: your bag is over 50 pounds so that’ll be an extra $25
me: yes, of course *checks high school physics notes* money reduces the impact of gravity on mass
Hey girl, do you like bad boys? *tries to look cool by flicking my cig, but it’s an e-cig so I have to run and get it*
Billion dollar idea: An app that sends you a text when the light turns green.
*checks real estate listings on other planets*
My spanish class in high school should have had a bit less
“Where is the bathroom”
and a bit more
“She was dead when we got here”.
Remember when the Backstreet Boys sang ‘Show Me the Meaning of Being Lonely’ and then we all showed them for the rest of their lives?
Sex is great and all but have you ever been tased in a Dairy Queen parking lot?
66% of Canadians were unimpressed with “The Revenant”, or as it’s known in Canada, “Pretty Average Day”
By age 35, you should have figured out how to spell “bananas” without having to mentally sing Hollaback Girl
Resigned to my own fate, but also really hoping that fate includes Snickers bars and an 8th season of Buffy the Vampire Slayer.
Hubs said we should only drink one night a week…. But he didn’t say anything about the day 😜 #sundayfunday
My Canadian 4yo just told me he wants to be Captain America if anyone wants to take a traitor off my hands.
We flip out at the weatherman when he gets it wrong like twice a month. In the 1600s, if you guessed the weather correctly even once, they’d call you a witch and burn you at the stake.
I misspelled the word “camouflage” so badly that I made 6 different letter combination changes before autocorrect would even try to help me.
“Everyday I’m mumblin'”-Bane
I ended up living in a storage unit the last time I took advice from a guy named Kyle
How to get out of a car in front of a large crowd of people
Step 1: forget to take your seat belt off
Health food? Baby, my body is a ’93 Honda hatchback with a headlight out. I’m not about to start putting premium gas in it now.
I never drive behind someone with a dream catcher hanging from the rearview mirror.
DO YOU THINK YOU MIGHT FALL ASLEEP AT ANY MOMENT?!?
I was going to clean my house but decided to stop inviting people over instead
My 4-year-old usually wears his hair in a ponytail, but he wants it cut this weekend. This change will make me a little sad, but I also hope it hides his 1980s movie villain personality.
Sold my parents’ house today. It was really bittersweet and brought back so many memories. My parents are gonna be pissed when they get back from vacation though.
Don’t forget to contemplate the meaning of life while standing in the cycle lane with your car door wide open today.