Wine doesn’t have many vitamins. That’s why you have to drink a lot of it.
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Not to brag in front of all the other moms at this swim meet, but my kid can swim in slow motion.
I liked the old days, when people tried to keep the fact that they were idiots to themselves.
Me: How awful do I look?
Him: You always look beautiful.
Me: Do I need to put makeup on?
Him: Maybe just a…
*stare*
Him: No.
a murderer snaps my neck but my body just slowly starts to turn neon green
give a man a fish and he’ll eat for a day.
give a fish a man and it’s Jaws.
My 6yo: *begs to go to a Mexican restaurant*
Also my 6yo: *orders a hot dog*
You know you’re old when you get a “You up?” text….
And it’s 8:25 p.m.
Whenever I read that a suspect is cooperating with investigators I picture them being helpful in the interrogation room. Tidying up. Providing light conversation.
Does it…does it take 3 days
There is so much going on in this video … I don’t know who to focus on 😂😂😂 hilarious
Poor Charles. Imagine being 73 years old and getting your first job.
I feel bad for all these athletes training for the Olympics in 2016 since we’re all gonna die in 2012
Twin: ya know how we always-
Me: -finish each other’s sentences!
Prison Warden: VISITING TIME IS OVER
Twin: so I had an idea…
All I’m saying is, there are too many songs about love and not enough songs about evenly layered nachos.
due to the pandemic “following up” is currently suspended. if you try to “circle back” with me i will call the police
Always use a fish knife when eating fish, a tomato knife when eating tomato, and a Swiss Army knife when eating a member of the Swiss army.
*Opens twitter*
*Sees Polio is trending*
*Closes twitter*
Kissed a receipt to lighten my lipstick but I need it to return something & now some cashier is gonna think I’m flirting.
Halfway through my stand-up routine I started getting heckled. The crowd shouted such insults as “This sucks” and “Stop it” and “Why are you doing this to us, Mom?”
The problem is you never know which Gary is going to show up.
What’s sadder, the end of “Titanic” or my son’s face when I ask him to explain Bitcoin again?
When I woke my son up, he growled at me and I was like, “First of all, you need to get ready for school, and second of all, you raise a good point.”
One interesting thing I learned in my thirties is that you can leave a bar before it closes.
i was NOT expecting this 😭 watch till the end
A Tale of Two Cities 2: A Tale of Three Cities
Every library has something in it to offend everyone, and in this library that thing is probably me.
GIRL: Spirit, should I have sex with this guy?
ME: *tries to push the ouija pointer to yes but it won’t move* (under breath) grandma, PLEASE
Actor Eddie Murphy nailed America’s cultural bias nearly 30 years ago.
Automated text response: Please allow 7-10 business days for a response, longer if I don’t like you.
Suddenly your entire body starts to vibrate. To your horror you realize it’s vibrating to the melody of the Benny Hill theme. This goes on for 2 hours, then it stops.
‘That’s enough punishment for now’, I whisper to myself, and put away the kazoodoo doll…