Sex so good you see dead people.
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You know you’ve just had lunch with a narcissist when your neck is stiff from nodding.
The initials of the Sri Lankan players read like DOS commands. MKDIR, CHKDSK.
You know the saying “if at first you don’t succeed, try, try again”? Yeah, that doesn’t work when vacuuming up a pancake.
You know what bothers me? When people assume you’re homeless cause you’re asleep on the street and your pants are gone..
[restaurant]
me: you mind if I go to the bathroom?
date: yeah sure
me: thanks, I prefer to eat in private
Save on property taxes by putting your house legally in the name of that bag of peas in the freezer.
Me: Ah, the elusive white penny
Cashier: That’s a button
[skywriting]
Karen, do you have the checkbook? The skywriting guy won’t let me out of the plane until he gets his deposit.
I’m not country but I did just stop my car on the side of the road so I could put three goats in the backseat to take home and cut my grass.
*regional mathematics tryouts*
Judge: what is 2+2?
Me: can you use it in a sentence?
“I’ll sleep when I’m dead” – me, before having kids
“I will murder someone for a nap”- me now
[typing in parental control pin]
5: why do you go so fast? I’m trying to see it. I know it ends with 3, 4 but nothing I’ve tried works
Plastic silverware: because the only thing I hate more than poisoning the environment is washing dishes.
stephen king’s mind:
what if dog…bad?
what if car…bad?
what if clown…bad?
what if hotel…bad?
Gonna teach a bunch of old white guys the word “bae” so teens stop thinking it’s cool and it goes away forever.
In my day, Frozen 2 would’ve been released directly to VHS with a new Olaf who sounds weird, and we would’ve been GRATEFUL.
A snake comin out the ceiling?! It can have the house
Can’t afford the chiropractor so I’m just going to lay down in the road and hope for the best.
ME: I’ll have the chicken dinner.
WAITER: Yes, sir. *throws corn on the floor* Here, chick chick chick.
ME: *pecks at the ground* Excellent.
Ever wonder what happens when you piss into a Brita filter? Well, for starters, you get a TON of emails from Airbnb.
On Facebook:
Them: Look! We’re at the beach!
Me: Look! I’m in your house!
The guy that said laughter is the best medicine obviously wasn’t suffering from diarrhea
Just bought a new umbrella for the person that finds it tomorrow.
Me: There’s a guy in Toronto who survived being shot thirty times. He’s totally fine now
Wife: I am not shooting you. Just go to work
My left earbud kept shocking me during my last zoom meeting. Can wifi be haunted
whenever someone i know introduces me to someone else i say, “oh, this is the one u were talking about” &watch the awkward stares!
You call it armed robbery, I call it people giving me gifts to celebrate my new gun!
Beef and broccoli with calrose rice is on the menu tonight. If you’re coming over, bring condoms. (Just checking to see if you actually read this shit or just blindly RT)
I can’t wait for the day when we can place specific blame in the fine print of pharmaceutical ads like CARL YOU’RE THE REASON WE CAN’T USE THIS WHEN WE’RE DRIVING THE BULLDOZER
Just thinking about how hard lockdown was for people with secret families