Everyone is exhausted by the pandemic, except my neighbor’s dog who has been barking non-stop since 2016.
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The elites don’t want you to know this but the ducks at the park are free you can take them home I have 458 ducks
There’s going to be a full moon this Christmas!
Because mixing family and alcohol together wasn’t enough…
Calm down mechanic guy. Just here for an oil change. If I wanted to know about all the other shit wrong with my car I’d turn the radio down.
Pouring a bucket of white marbles into the hippo pen will result in a lifetime ban from the zoo no matter how hungry they looked.
Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.
My dog: please break this treat into much smaller pieces
haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come me & my friend dale are at the park watching two real estate agents trying to eat a pigeon?
“911 what’s your emergency?”
“Yeah, I’ve got so many questions about bees.”
*sighs*
“Please hold for the president.”
GOD: Done.
ANGEL: What is it?
GOD: A penguin.
ANGEL: So it can fly, right?
GOD: This one’s a swimmin’ bird.
ANGEL: Dude… are you ok?
Parenthood is just chauffeuring a bunch of people you don’t want to chauffeur, to places you don’t want to go, at times you don’t even want to be awake, to do things you don’t want to do, for prices you damn sure can’t afford.
What’s upsetting about hearing my neighbor have sex is realizing she can hear me ask my dog if we’re best friends multiple times a day
Me: One time I was swimming and a pod of whales appeared out of nowhere! Wow, the feeling! A sudden rush of happiness!
Friend: *Nodding* endorphins
Me: No, just whales
Give the gift of sarcasm to a child and receive it back tenfold.
On the list of things I’ve learned today:
1. You’re not allowed to walk a police dog
2. Pepper spray recovery time is 37 minutes
[dinner party]
*removing myself from table* Excuse me, I have to take this.
*picks up host’s dog*
*leaves*
some people recharge in nature. some people recharge at the olive garden.
[on a date with a houseplant]
Me: everything ok? you hardly touched your dinner.
Houseplant: Yes, I’m just eating light
Kid: Are you the babysitter?
Sting: Yes. Every breath you take. Every step you take. I’ll be watching you. It’ll be fun!
Kid: *horrified*
I started feeding the birds a steady diet of pastel died Rice… You know, to brighten up the neighborhood a little bit…
[cornerman sitting me down after the first round] ya gotta stop telling him you’re diabetic he doesn’t care
If you love Christmas music chances are you never worked retail during Christmas.
i am such a dungeons & dragons guy in theory. but i just don’t have the attention span to make it work. if you invite me, i am gonna show up super excited, name my elf some shit like Hyundai Elantra, and then you’ll never hear from me again
I support traditional marriage between a man and one of his own ribs.
The robotic urge to ask humans to prove they’re not robots.
waiter: would you like a soup or salad?
clark kent: [laughs nervously] a super salad? i’ll just have a regular salad please
waiter: alri-
clark kent: [loudly] a regular salad for a regular man
i love making the whole conversation so awkward that the most anyone can say after is “so yeah…”
[during sex]
Can I call my mom? She said this would never happen. Wait-will you call her? Tell her this is happening! She’ll believe you.
I’m equally comfortable holding a guitar as I am holding a baby, I just hold them both by the neck
Pie is superior to cake. Nobody makes a cake chart.
I sexually identify as the toaster you want to bathe with.
The ankle monitor stays on during sex, but only because it has to.