What I say and what I mean are three different things.
You Might Also Like
I’m only looking for friends that could survive a hippopotamus attack.
If you gave a million monkeys a million keyboards & let them bang away at the keys all day…then you’d have Twitter.
COP: Know why I pulled you over?
ME: Because I didn’t floss?
DENTIST: *rips off cop mask* I gotcha now, you son of a-
sometimes i sneeze so loud and hard i think i’m a dad
straight people: gay marriage is an embarrassment to marriage!
also straight people:
Every day I learn something new as a parent. Today I learned I can’t sit through my daughter’s violin recital without a desire to die.
Sex so bad the Oompa Loompas sang a song about it.
I saw a homeless guy and gave him $10. A woman standing there said he’s just gonna buy drugs with it. And I said yeah but if I don’t give it to him I can’t be the 50th person to write this tweet.
*training the dog to sit*
Me: So you’re already low to the ground, but you must get lower.
If you beat a man with a mustache in a fist fight, you get to keep his mustache.
Sometimes as a woman all i want is for a man to grab me, throw me into bed and then clean my house while i sleep
“Is it in yet???”
-My ATM, mocking me.
Just told my kids they had to share. Now they are dressed in long blacks wigs singing if I could turn back time.
My daughter is so excited to climb the rope in gym class today that I’m starting to doubt she’s mine.
Her: Did you know that there are fifteen different ways to say the word “whore” in Polish?
Me: What a beautiful language…
I want my tombstone to just say “You should see the other guy” on it
My goal weight is for it not to look like I’m having a stroke when I yawn.
My sister is holding her baby in one hand and a cup of Starbucks in the other, I’m going to toss her phone at her to see who gets dropped.
The partisan media is ONCE AGAIN twisting my words, so let me make this perfectly clear: I am NOT a little teapot. The video clips being circulating showing me stamping my feet and repeatedly insisting that I AM a little teapot have been taken out of context.
Nothing makes me second-guess my language like a little voice chirping, “Mommy, I found your freaking measuring spoons.”
Me: You ever have conversations in your head?
Me: No.
Me: Me neither
What if T-Rexes really had long boneless tentacle arms and we didn’t know because we can only find bones?
It’s hard for me to believe that the new Star Wars trailer has already been seen millions of times. How do they even know where it’s parked?
“After 30 years at my stepdad’s carpentry business I needed a change.”
Me: My bed is so warm and cosy. I never want to leave.
Bladder: AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
Exercise makes you look better naked, so does tequila, choose wisely my friends
mom: Do you need us to bring anything tomorrow?
me: Pumpkin pie
mom: Anything else?
me: Turkey
mom
me: Stuffing
mom
me: Plates
Y’all think a holey cow makes swiss cheese?
no i didn’t do “research” to formulate my opinions. are u insane? they came to me in a vision