Flock of geese
Murder of crows
Mistake of beers
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Can you imagine the pressure Morgan Freeman’s mom felt reading him a bedtime story?
Define “toned.”
-Me to the Creators of all Dating Apps
My husband got our kids to clean their rooms by promising them they could watch him play video games so basically all I need to do to get my kids to eagerly do their chores is become good at Fortnite. Cool
Me: This has been the worst day. Nothing can fix this.
*dog climbs on sofa, puts head in my lap*
M: I have never been happier in my life.
Uh oh I planned two dates today thinking one of them would cancel and now I have to come up with a lie and quick
i’m all for human rights and shit, but if you’re on a tour in a factory and decide to wander off, it should be legal for the floor workers to hunt you for sport
I am rebranding my disorganized and cluttered house as a ‘masterclass of maximalism’
Knights in white satin do not sound like they would be properly protected in a battle scenario. Yes, they would LOOK incredible but sadly they would die
I tried a onesome before, but I started catching feelings.
Be honest, the only reason our generation played outside more as kids is because we had really shitty graphics back then.
so we have ice (water) hockey, field (earth) hockey, and air/table (air) hockey…. folks I believe it is time for fire hockey
My parents waited way too long to tell me about Santa and the Easter Bunny. I was so mad I got in my car & drove away.
It’s that scene from footloose where Kevin Bacon is angry dancing in the barn but it’s me trying to do my taxes.
[Back To the Future, 2018]
Marty’s dad: She texted me back! What do I say??
Marty: I got it. Lemme see…*sends SpongeBob gif and immediatly starts disappearing*
ME REGULARLY: *uses the same 3 things at home*
ME PACKING FOR VACATION: I wonder if I’ll need 4 French horns or 5
recently at a party i overheard someone start a sentence with “i actually remember being born” and i just put down my drink and left
I like to stand next to a stranger on the elevator and whisper, “I read what you said on the internet.”
toddler: Close your eyes and open your mouth
me [about to get hit with a bat]
ME: *spills red wine on carpet* I am so sorry
MY GIRLFRIEND’S DAD: That’s ok. So John, what do you do?
ME: *pulls carpet cleaning spray from my bag* Funny you should ask..
Me: it’s not about how many times you fall, it’s about how many times you get back up
cop: that’s not how field sobriety tests work
[Job interview]
“You list communication as a strength”Yes
“Care to elaborate?”
No
Me: I never lie.
Also me: Yes, i’ve read and agree with the privacy policy.
I normally have a decent sense of direction but when I leave the exam room at a doctor’s office and have to find my way to the exit I’m suddenly Harry Potter in the Hedge Maze
Me: Can I use it for my socials?
Mugshot Photographer: No.
When I was young I really thought that people in their 40s were old and now that I’m in my 40s I can say that I was right
Your call is very important to us and we’ll answer it once we figure out our new phone system.
Pretty girl in front of me at Panera ordered a frozen cold brew and before I could stop myself I said, “Ah yes, the coldest brew of all,” and she moved away from me.
When someone giving me directions says, “You can’t miss it,” I would love to tell them just how wrong they were if I could find my way back to them.
I closed all the windows and curtains in the house. I don’t know where all this stupidity is coming from.
The cops just showed up at work & all the workers that have been in trouble before fled. At least that’s what I can see from under my desk.