My favorite thing is when my husband asks me to help him cook and then ignores literally everything I suggest and doesn’t like the resulting meal š
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Eating fried cheese is the closest i’ve gotten to doing heroin.
please stop making me feed my video game characters. i shouldnāt have the fact they are living better than me rubbed in my face like this.
*while scrolling Facebook
Iām so glad Congress is going to make Facebook protect my data!
*clicks on āWhat Harry Potter character is your social security number?ā
Me: okay I have pizza, wings, nacho dip, mozza…
Him: hell yes, Super Bowl Sunday!
Me *mouth full of food*: uper ol wat?
Welcome to your 40s: that was a good cookie hereās four pounds.
Your kid is old enough to drive, lady, get him out of the shopping cart.
I’m sorry I hosed off your toddler as he walked by my house but I can’t afford to get sick right now.
People are surprised when I tell them I donāt like cilantro. Mostly because Iām in their house unannounced
Lady at the door asked if I’d found Jesus and I was all HOW IS HE MISSING, IT WAS YOUR DAY TO WATCH HIM. I don’t think she’ll be back.
No thanks, marriage. If I wanted to stop getting laid I would just start wearing crocs.
[quickly jumps into the back of a cab]
ME: How far will this get me? *i hand the driver 14 peanut m&ms with the chocolate sucked off*
[literally every petting zoo]
Zookeeper: wanna pet a goat?
Me: [shrugs] I guess
Zookeeper: k cool. Cuz we got, like, 90% goats here.
Me: I can’t do anything right
Therapist: You’re in my chair
I donāt need extravagant gifts for Valentineās Day.
The only gift I need is for someone to come over & do my laundry.
Always make sure that you are taking time for self-care. Because, if you don’t love yourself, how are you gonna love somebody else?! š You got this šŖ
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#positivethoughts #positivemind #positivelife #dailymotivation #personalgrowth #selfcare #safecarequotes
me: if only i could sleep AND get motion sickness
waterbed salesman: you’re not gonna believe this
Checkboxes dating apps /should/ have:
š² Willing to sneak snacks into movies
š² Good at building blanket forts
š² Only sets volume, temp etc. to EVEN numbers
š² toilet paper roll goes OVER
š² I don’t think the position of the stars when I was born determined my personality
you mean to tell me Cameron Diaz dated The Mask AND Shrek? mmmk someoneās got a type
Today I broke up a fight my kids had over whose popsicle was colder. Donāt tell me being a mom isnāt cool.
*shaking head* I canāt tell which news stories are real or are April Foolās Day pranks. I mean, you could say āAliens have landed & have demanded to talk to the whalesā & Iād just think āSo 2022.ā
The trick to falling asleep is putting your phone down. Unfortunately, that’s not a risk I’m willing to take.
If they really loved you, they’d absorb you through osmosis.
If you don’t open your mouth when you yawn, you’re a monster. I’m serious. Let that demon go. You’re freaking everybody out.
Cop: This spot is for frog parking only
Me: Oh yeah. What are you gonna do about it?
*gets toad*
Fun prank:
1. Steal your married friends phone
2. Change your name to ‘Brandi from the club’
3. Call repeatedly at 3AM and hang up
HIM: I wanna be more than friends.
ME: You wanna be BEST friends?
With a dog, you have a glimpse into parenting. With a cat, you have a glimpse into marriage.
I love strapping my kids into their car seats.
Itās the closest I can legally come to putting them in straitjackets.
Still not over my son telling me the toilet was smoking, and I rushed upstairs to this
āš½
