me: I’d like to buy that lady at the end of the bar a drink
judge: no
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At my age, “getting lucky” means being able to find my car in the parking lot.
So won’t Surreal Slim Shady please stand up, please stand dOwN, please RIDE A TRICYCLE THROUGH A DENTISTS WAITING ROOM DRESSED AS A PENGUIN
Turns out the button on the elevator with the fireman’s hat on it is not the button for a free fireman’s hat.
Obi Wan: You will never find a more wretched hive of scum and villainy.
Luke: Obviously you haven’t been to Black Friday at Walmart.
I was shocked as an adult to learn that the crisscross pattern made with a fork on a peanut butter cookie was not a family secret.
I don’t understand interventions.
What’s the point of being told I drink too much by a room full of the reasons I drink in the first place?
Ice skating is like walking in cursive
*bursts into English convention*
GRAB ALL THE STUFF YOU CAME WITH THE BUILDING’S ON FIRE
*crickets*
Christ. THE STUFF WITH WHICH YOU CAME
Client: “I want to learn how to use the ATM”
Me: “Sure no prob!”
~~~~*Standing outside in the rain in front of the ATM*
Me: “ok first put your card in the machine”
Client: “Oh I don’t have one”
Me *blinking intensely*
me: just tell me what to do
universe: *gives me a clear sign*
me: well that could be for anybody
Yeah but how many of you can say you’ve managed to get your head stuck in the strings of a piano
Hey boy, are you a software update because not now
All sex is safe sex if you keep your bright orange reflective vest on.
No, give me the blue mittens for shoveling. The red ones are for scandal.
Had my novel “Noah: The Early Years” rejected. They said the story lacks an ark.
They really missed the ball when they named it Gotham City instead of Wayne’s World.
Good news everyone, the priest who took my confession is expected to make a full recovery
Give a man a fish, and you feed him for a day. Feed a man to the fishes, and you’ll never have to share your food again.
My son scared his sister while she was brushing her teeth
She turned around screaming and spit out the contents of her mouth all over his face
He started screaming in horror bc his mouth was open.
3 walked in and started screaming bc he wanted to join in
How was your morning?
the dog ran into a fence chasing a squirrel. she doesn’t look anything like me but she’s mine. i can tell
First week of my diet I gained 3 pounds. However, I found out if I stand further away from the mirror I look thinner.
Why yes internet stranger, I have tweets that contradict each other. It’s a timeline, not a deposition
I got tired of our restroom smelling like other people’s crap so I placed a chunk of mine behind the hot air vent.
*Tinkerbell sprinkling pixie dust*
Remember Peter, give me a call if it last longer than 4 hours.
United Steaks of America
[About to have sex]
Girl: Do you have a condom?Me: Yeah
*bird screaching*
Girl: I said condom not condor
Me: *taking condom from bird’s beak* Good boy Rory.
Girl:
Me: Don’t you feel stupid now?
me: ever heard of quasimodo
him: doesn’t ring a bell
me: i assure you he does
everyone on the saturday night live thing pronounced it sarynyelive
You can pour up to 12 bowls of salad in your sweats before they kick you out of the Olive Garden.
I hit a pothole so hard the woman on the radio bit her tongue