realizing i have to deal with the consequences of my actions
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When I die I want to come back as a speed bump so I can piss people off
The only thing that’s not possible is staying away from you…
-stalker’s
#GettingOldMeans if I drop a pen on the ground it stays on the ground. Bending down is a young man’s game.
When I’m done eating… I have to show my hands to my cat like I’m a blackjack dealer
Women across the Twitterverse get random nudity requests, and I? I get a request for a voice note of me blowing my nose.
This morning I jogged for 30 swear words.
Good morning to everyone, especially those who don’t need to turn every tweet into a sexual innuendo, I know it’s hard, very hard.
Oh you lost your glasses on your face? I lost my cell phone while on a call.
If by “anything” you mean “anything I can do from my couch,” then yes, I will do anything for you.
It still bothers me that airplanes aren’t called skyscrapers
god: [creating sharks] make them apex predators of the ocean
angel: sounds fearsome
god: ya but if you punch them in the face they just immediately leave
[helping son prepare for first date]
“what if she doesn’t like it”
*stuffing handkerchiefs up son’s sleeve* be confident in your magic, son
QUIZ SHOW HOST: So, Trevor, what would you do if you won the £100,000 jackpot?
CONTESTANT: My brother lives in Australia, I haven’t seen him for 15 years after we fell out, so I think I’d send him a picture of me with the money.
i gotta remember that brevity saves energy and is worth the misunderstandings
pre-crashed car! already crashed. don’t have to worry about crashing it, car cannot crash. can’t drive it (no wheels) wheels fell of in crash. also just replaced the brakes, brakes work perfectly now
I’ve never made eggplant before. Is it better fried or scrambled?
Husband to me:
If you can’t sleep, turn off your damn cell phone!Husband Awake in bed at 2am on his cell phone:
What?! I can’t sleep.
Have kids, so people who drink their own bath water can critique your cooking.
turns out im not nearly mature enough to hang out with someone named titi
If I could travel back in time I’d probably forget why I went as soon as I got there.
[6 PM]
Tween:
[7 PM]
Tween:
[8 PM]
Tween:
[9 PM]
Tween: I need a poster board for school tomorrow.
the main function of the little toe on your foot is to make sure that all the furniture in the house is in it’s place.
5-year-old daughter: *looks in the mirror* Can you get me something to match my cowboy boots?
Me: What?
5-year-old: A horse.
Target employee: Describe your lost item
Me: It’s a $400 rose gold Tory Burch wallet with 87 cents and 12 maxed out credit cards inside
Elliott didn’t care about E.T. He just wanted a flying bike.
“kill them with kindness” wrong. crow attack
🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛
Santa keeps a pair of mounted antlers over his fireplace to keep the reindeer from unionizing.
Sometimes passing by a nursing home is the only reminder I need to go buy my kids whatever they want.
Summer Camp: we need you to send some info
My wife: don’t you have it from last year?
SC: probably, but we want it again
MW: ok
SC: by fax
MW: but why w-
SC: and in cuneiform
MW: are you s-
SC: and can you place insurance cards face up and face down on the form at the same time?
BFF: do you ever have those weeks where you don’t want to work out, eat what you want and be lazy?
Me: *eating cheesecake with my hands while laying on a lounge chair* nope.