*screaming at the smoke alarm*
DOES THIS SEEM HELPFUL TO YOU???
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I USED VOLUME MAXIMIZING SHAMPOO THIS MORNING SO YES I DO HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM IN YOUR FACE OFFICER
I order so much Chinese food the delivery guy must think I’m a middle aged divorced homicide detective in an 80s movie.
When I get off this leash it’s over for you birches
-my dog
My favorite genre of tweet is “person born after I graduated college feels old”
I was lying next to 4 and he looked into my eyes and stroked some hair off my face and my heart melted but then he stroked a bit harder and said “mummy I can’t rub the lines out your face”
HIM: I like your shirt!
ME: [wondering why he excluded every other thing I’m wearing and also me] thanks
I don’t go to the circus. Not because I’m scared of clowns, but because I’m scared of people who go to the circus.
Them: No pets allowed!
My cat: Guess you are gonna just have to wait outside for me…
SOMEONE PARKED IN MY SPOT AT WORK. THAT’S IT. I’M GOING HOME.
*wife offers me a sip of her water*
m: Am I gonna catch what you have?
w: No
m:
w:
m: Are you sur-
w: You’re not going to get my period!
I understand why there were reindeer named Dasher, Dancer and Prancer, but how did Vixen earn her name. What is Santa hiding
I do believe I’m an Empath. I can always sense when someone I’m attacking is in a bad mood.
ex: do you still have feelings for me?
me: yes.
disgust.
FARMER: can I help you, sir?
ME: this ain’t my first rodeo, buddy
FARMER: [narrows eyes]
ME: ok maybe it is [climbs off sheep]
Whoever named them “sugar cookies” could’ve tried a little harder.
Red Skull’s name is pretty on-the-nose. How did his parents know.
I eat something every 29 minutes just to ensure no one can ever make me go swimming.
Me: Be still you have something on your face.
4: Is it a snail?
Me: No. Why would a snail be on your face?
4: I don’t know mommy weird stuff happens sometimes.
Wife got peanut butter M&M’s and mint M&M’s and mixed them in the same bowl because she’s not interested in making this relationship work.
ME: I’ll take that angry cantaloupe.
FRUIT STALL VENDOR: You mean the pineapple?
Standing desks become a $1000 charcuterie board since I snack so much.
Daughter: I want some of your coffee!!!
Me: Not if you ask like that! Grumpy girls don’t get coffee.
Husband: *from the other room* OH, is that so!?
What’s a moderation, and how do I drink in one?
My eyes are up here, buddy. Stop looking at my spaghetti sauce stain.
If laughing is good for you because you use 15 muscles, think how healthy you’ll be if you’re breaking a chair on someone’s head every day.
When I had to tediously pull one hundred and forty three bobby pins out of my wife’s hair on our wedding night, I probably should’ve taken that as a sign.
Went over todo list for fishing vaca, Noticed wife put “WTF” aside “B Plug”.
Had to explain, the “Boat Plug” keeps the water out of the boat
Roses are red
Violets are blue
I need another cup of coffee
And a donut, too.
Cops in movies keeping guard outside hospital rooms have a 0% success rate.
on a date with a guy who’s been fired from 3 different bowling alleys