DONT YOU DARE TELL ME WHAT I CAN AND CANNOT DO I HAVE A OUIJA BOARD FOR THAT
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“You never forget how to ride a bike” sounds like a dare to me.
ME: I lied in my interview.
BOSS: what was the lie?
ME: all lies. except about my aunt.
BOSS: she wants to party with me?
ME: big time.
Wearing polar fleece in the winter gives me a sense of security knowing I can jump start a car with my finger.
[junkyard dog barking viciously and running directly at me]
Me: Wow he must really want me to pet him
*first date*
Her: So what animal would you be?
Me: Oh a cat for sure!
Her: Aw cute!
(Later that night)
Me: *stood next to a closed door screaming at the top of my lungs*
Her: …Ok considerably less cute.
Twitter is my favorite MMORPG ever. I just say nasty shit and then I get to collect awesome people like experience points.
*gently pushes Spider-Man out the door with a magazine*
My kids and I play this fun game where I wake up early to enjoy a coffee alone and they wake up earlier to make sure that I don’t
The aliens among us mentally scream at having to continue this charade.
men only want 1 thing. women only want 7 things. babies only want 53 things. dogs only want 633 things. flamingos refuse to divulge how many things they want
“why are you being so quiet?” bc I wasn’t listening the first half of the conversation and now I have no idea wtf is going on
Cop: Where were you on the night of July 19th 2009?
Me: Well I had diarrhea that day
Cop: That was 10 years ago. How do you remember that?
Me: *slamming fist on table* I have diarrhea every day
Made my daughter dinner last night and she told me it was really good as long as she took tiny bites and used lots of ketchup
GYM
Man: “Can you spot me?”
Me: “Sure”
Man: *Throwing down towel* “Invisibility cloak my ass”
friend: you can kill ants with a magnifying glass
[later at thanksgiving dinner]
aunt: aww what are you doing with that magnifying glass?
me: i’m gonna beat you to death with it
I wear my fitness tracker to bed. If I’m making 2 trips a night to the bathroom, I’m damn well getting credit for them.
[Rock Paper Scissors]
Rock: As if a scrap of paper could hurt me.
*Paper unfolds itself, revealing a message*
YOUR PARENTS NEVER LOVED YOU
If you can get the pronouns right for a boat you can get them right for a person
girl im dating buying shampoo: I’ll get this one
me looking for a reason to break up with her: coconut and orchids??
I saw my shadow this morning and it looks like I have six more weeks of dieting.
*Area 51*
Me: Hi
Female Alien: I have a boyfriend
Who called them “priests” instead of “weapons of mass instruction”?
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a mirror, asking to be possessed by a poltergeist that loves to clean and fold laundry.
*watches an extremely cute guy flirt with an equally cute girl at the gym from the floor above like an old witch on a mountain*
Partner: I’m breaking up with you
Me: Oh why?
Partner: It’s the only speaking in single letters thing, it’s weird
Me: Oh. I see. OK
Sex is great, but have you ever deleted 1700 emails after returning from vacation?
My girlfriend said she bought the lingerie for me, but then got upset when I put it on… I dont get women.
I’m trying to beat the world record for most cat paintings done in one night. The current record holder is George W. Bush, who did 911.
I’ve always been a late bloomer. Everyone is going on about Barbie and Oppenheimer and I’m still here posting my wordle
Shaking hands is so weird:
“Nice to meet you, have some germs and dead skin cells.”