Why do they make it so hard to dig the candy out of trail mix?
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Of course, golfing is a dignified sport..
except for that time I got a cart stuck between two trees.
[dinner table]
SHARK: i got the promotion
SHARK WIFE: are you lead sharkitect now?
SHARK: *pushes plate away* my career isn’t a joke, Sharon
In my defense, they never told me I couldn’t tattoo their baby when I got the babysitter job.
The cat seems really pissed off. He must have only had 22 hours sleep.
In a post-apocalyptic world, I’d be the one to shave my head and charge toward you with a machete while screaming. You’ll think, is that a man or a woman? It won’t matter. Small-chested and bald, this is my time to shine now.
No coroner will need to do an autopsy to see what I ate, they’ll just need to shake out my bra.
Harry Potter: A Shortened Version
Voldemort: I must kill Harry Potter.
Everyone else: Lol, no.
Grocery shopping in 2004: Clip coupons out of Sunday newspaper to use at checkout.
Grocery shopping in 2024: Clip digital coupons, download the app, scan QR code, enter rewards member number, password and the FBI nuclear launch codes at self-checkout to save 50 cents on bananas.
I’m so glad that I got my big grocery shopping trip out of the way on Sunday. Now I only have to stop at the store 750 times during the week.
“Don’t sit down and wait for the opportunities to come. Get up and make them.”
*sandwiches
Me [driving to Chipotle on a first date]: There’s this great little burrito place I discovered
ah, yes. the elusive llamarshmallow.
Passive aggressive has never been my thing, I prefer chasing you with a chainsaw.
Crush: what u up to
Me: about to take a shower and listen to music
Crush: nice, what kind
Me: *nervously* one with water
Whenever I’m house sitting for a friend on vacation I replace each item of their clothing with the exact same thing but two sizes smaller.
Things I do to annoy my wife
1) Say ‘bless yooou’ in the same intonation as her ‘Atchooo’
2) Sing “Little red corvette… the kind you find in a second-hand store”
3) Bring her an empty plate and say “Oh no, the pasta got too close to the anti-pasta!”
TBC
What rhymes with “Your eyes glisten in the sunset like majestic stars”?
I refuse to lose another rap battle!
Why do people insist on saying “You’re next” to me at weddings? Do they not realize how serial killery that is?
it sucks that a cape on your back makes you fly but a cape on your front just gets you a haircut
heck is a place for people who don’t believe in gosh. danged for eternity.
I move your wet panties to one side and, very gently, manage to fit another pair of socks on the radiator.
There needs to be a grocery store for single people where they sell flour by the tablespoon.
Holy shit, remember rhymes with September. If no one thought about putting that in a song, I’m gonna be rich.
Wish the trash would take me out for once.
Y’all say redheads eat souls like it’s a bad thing, but I’m telling you, this diet is really going to pay off come swimsuit season.
She gets stoked after reading:
“Big strapping boxer” on dating siteBut soon discovers he’s a 475 lb.
guy working in shipping at Amazon.
Me: No glove no love.
Gyno: Please don’t make another pap uncomfortable.
9: [who only had 97 snacks today] Are we ever gonna eat dinner?
I went to a singles event once. I didn’t see one slice of Kraft cheese.
I consider that false advertising.