“LOOK AT MY ASSHOLE.” -Cats
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Headed to the local Memorial Day parade so the boys can get a bunch of candy I’ll be throwing away in 6 months.
Nothing makes me worry more than the kids saying “Don’t worry, we cleaned it up”
What’s your favorite position?
Me: sleeping
Waitress: *laughs at my husband’s dad joke*
Me: DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHAT YOU HAVE DONE?!
‘Perfectly preserved 90s Burger King’ is the result I want from a skincare product
me: i’m so excited for fall!
also me: where the hell did the sun go?
[clown cleaning shower]
MRS CLOWN: Don’t forget to remove the hair from the drain.
[clown just keeps pulling long multi-coloured hair out]
Man, we’re losing so many people at work. Eric got fired, Amy found a new job, Rich evolved into a being of pure energy and ascended to a higher plane of existence, Sam’s internship ended… Everyone’s leaving.
You would be amazed how cheap lawn mowers are at Home Depot when you own a pickup truck and a orange apron.
When someone tells me they’re a doctor or an engineer all I can think is: “wow your parents must’ve yelled at you to do your homework a lot”
“Don’t you dare. Don’t you lick it. Don’t! Do not lick the butter,” I yell threateningly at the cat.
PATIENT: I bet medical school was pretty tough
DR DOG: yeah I remember one time I did an assignment 4 times bc I ate the first 3 copies lol
Boss: Where were you on Friday?
Me: It was a holiday.
Boss: HALLOWEEN IS NOT A PAID HOLIDAY!
Me: It is if you go as Christmas.
Boss:…
Million Dollar Idea ~ A bathroom mirror that takes pictures.
Stages of Candle Burning
1: this smells nice
2: still smells nice
3: this is all I can smell now
4: this is the only scent I have ever known
i like elevator conversations because i know there’s a time limit
Only parents of toddlers know the anxiety of finding a sharpie lid on the floor.
Macaroni Grill closed four locations here. I suspect the tendency of macaroni to fall through the grill had a lot to do with it.
7-year-old: *using her tablet*
Me: You’re not doing your homework.
7: How did you know?
Me: You haven’t complained all morning.
I feel as though we’ve come too far as a society to go camping on purpose.
Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: “Does this taste funny to you?”
It’s like these people at the liquor store have never seen somebody pay with this much change
My great grandfather always used to call me Alan. I thought it was him being silly, but I later discovered I was going to the wrong house.
Welcome to your 40s.
You remember your home phone number from when you were 11 but you can’t remember why you came upstairs.
I like to wait to board the plane so the person seated next to me thinks they’ll have extra space and then I come in right before the door closes and ruin their lives
[leaving theater]
me (drying my eyes): I hate movies where a dog dies
wife: that was a werewolf
me: but still
I need to delete some of my fake dating profiles. It’s gotten so confusing I just met myself at Starbucks.
Me: *covers up with fleece blanket*
Wife: *rips it off me* This is for the cats
Me: I’m very observant
Also me: *pulls away from drive thru without order*
About 20 minutes before my husband gets home from work I spray Febreze, then he assumes I cleaned something.