I have $12 in winning lottery tickets in my purse, I might just up and quit my job, today
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When people on House Hunters complain about the color of the room are they not aware of the miracle that is paint?
Watching drunk twins fight.
The similarities are staggering, and striking.
My husband just spent 10 minutes looking for a baseball hat that was on his head. I would have said something, except where’s the fun in that?
Walks you into the bedroom.
Stands you up straight against the wall.
*you notice the sign that says “You must be this tall to ride this guy”
Before I play it, I hold the needle from the record and whisper 3..2..1.
It’s the vinyl countdown.
me: if you love someone set them free
boss: you’re a corrections officer. you’re not supposed to fall in love with the prisoners
me (releasing my 10th prisoner of the day): my bad
I always go the extra mile,
which is why my friends don’t let me drive
HER: my water broke
ME: [looking at my ice cream scoop on the ground] we all have our issues
good news and bad news. bad news is the dog pissed on the bed
“we don’t have a dog”
*smiles getting ready to deliver the good news*
Winner of the first annual socially distancing award goes to…
“I hate being half bicycle-half motorcycle” he moped
tinder is all about the long game
Tell the colonel to bring it
If she’s “one-in-million” there’s 1,344 of her in China.
Priest: so you want hear more about ‘the damnation’?
Beaver: yes please.
The best thing about working from home is having more time to ignore the huge pile of laundry that needs doing
Adulthood is getting your shit together but then forgetting where you kept it.
I’m all for legalizing pot, but for fucks sake oral sex is still illegal in 18 states. Let’s prioritize, people!
If you get to travel back in time please tell little kid me I own both a machete and a flamethrower now and leave out the part where they’re for yardwork
“we want grandkids” best i can do is graphic design
I don’t mind when a waitress says, “Is Pepsi fine?” when I ask for some coke.
But when my drug dealer says it, it’s kind of annoying
I’m not saying white uniforms on kids for sports was invented by Big Laundry but I’m not NOT saying it either.
The first fireman to get called to rescue a cat in a tree must have had the hose wrestled from him before someone told him to get a ladder.
“Change is good,” I explain to my daughter as I carefully apply the same color lipstick I’ve been wearing since I was 15 years old.
Every time I go swimming I instantly get hungry.
*puts foot in pool*
*eats a taco*
*puts other foot in pool*
*eats another taco*
Throws caution into the wind.
Comes back and hits me in the face.
I presented pragmatic, irrefutable facts and felt confident I made my case, but my dog would have none of it.
ME: Oh, Sky Butler, help me in my hour of need.
GOD: I told you to stop calling me that.
ME: Okay, but I can’t find my keys.
idea: business cards that just say NO
Sir can I have 5 mins of ur [card]
Girl can I get ur number [card]
BRO DID U STEAL MY NO CARDS [card]
Next time you want to question the rationality of women, just remember that they freak the fuck out when they see a centimeter long spider.