WAITER: the duck is organic & cruelty-free
ME: can i order a duck who endured lots of cruelty
WAITER: what why
ME: a duck killed my father
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Not a catfish. Just behind on my lip waxing.
“I’m away at school for one day and you give away my room?!”
“I’d totally have sex with that guy if he just roared his engine louder!”
-nobody
When I’m eating shared nachos I’m always thinking 3 nacho moves ahead of my opponent.
Sitting here eating blueberries
wondering if my brain is improving
Doubt it…..
took too long to spell doubt
Me: I want to take you home and drink you up baby
Case of beer: I have a boyfriend
I never pay for drinks I just insult women at bars & when they throw drinks in my face I open my mouth haha thanks for the free booze ladies
60% of my childhood was spent showing all my work on math tests.
i just overheard this conversation from my family and i honestly give up jesus christ
sister: the bus driver earlier had sunglasses on + it’s been raining all day
dad:
sister: i wonder why. maybe he was blind?
dad: oh yeah, maybe
[they watch tv in silence]
me: ?????
STEWARDESS: omg the plane’s about to crash but the SOS message can only be 140 characters! what are we going to do??
ME: *slowly stands up*
Negotiator: I need proof of life.
Kidnapper: *motions phone to me* They want confirmation you’re alive.
Me: *sighs* Does it count if I’m dead inside?
Negotiator: Um, this is really embarrassing, but the family changes their mind. Good luck.
Nobody harasses you on the street when you walk around wearing a belt made of live cats.
[trying to talk to girl]
Ha so you from around here?
“Ya”
Cool me too. I love planet earth
My computer keeps giving me an error message saying “The Printer Can’t Be Found.” Uh buddy it’s RIGHT NEXT TO YOU, HELLO
I’m really hungry, so I’m going to eat an apple and promote myself to starving.
“Yes, I remember you saying” – Translation: Please stop saying that
I work for the government which means I have to enter 2 passwords in order to print documents that are open to the public.
Her: Sir, you account has been hacked.
Me: Twitter?
Her: No. Your Bank acc.
Me: Ooooh Thank God.
WIFE: We’d have less arguments if he wasn’t so pedantic
THERAPIST [to me] Is that right?
ME: No. It should be fewer arguments
Geesh you avoid someone for 6 months and right away they assume you ghosted them.
It’s only a family vacation if you think “We’re never doing this again” at least once.
There’s just something about my posture after sitting in front of a computer for hours, a certain je ne sais quasimodo
wife: I wish you were more romantic
me *starts biting the chicken nugget I’m eating into the shape of a heart*
SERIAL KILLER: prepare to die
ME: thanks, you too
I don’t know about anyone else but the second I see a cop in my rear view mirror..I know he’s running my plates and about to pull me over for the bank heist I imagined last week..
9: Have you seen my harmonica?
[flashback to me smashing it with a hammer]
me: Did you look under your bed?
To inspire all the wonderful women of Twitter I’m sending you all good vibes today. Tomorrow I will ship the batteries.
“Mysterious, cerebral, suspense, drama”
Netflix are you describing a movie or my last boyfriend?
Person: Don’t bite the hand that feeds you.
Me: I understand.
*I spend the rest of my life biting the hands of everyone who hasn’t fed me*
Jeez, you do a Satanic voice into a baby monitor one time and your neighbors never invite you over again.