me: *blows a raspberry*
raspberry: ah yea baby
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and here i thought that donuts only cured sadness
GOD: Someone please shut those animals up!
ANGEL: Okay, you’re the boss. [kicks some dirt over them]
[later]
GOD: Hey where’d all the dinosaurs go?
I hope the mysterious food thief at the office enjoys the dog food marinara and Jello with my toenail clippings I made for him/her.
I even pretend not to be home for a knock-knock joke
Someone flipped me off so I threw my wallet at him and said “I love you.”
He didn’t even die.
Killing people with kindness is hard.
My 10 yr old thinks I expect too much out of her.
I told her we could discuss it when she gets home from work.
They said I couldn’t drink or operate machinery on my medication.
But here I am…Driving a forklift…Sipping a beer…Lifting up my boss’s car…
Shoutout to the toothpaste stain on my shirt for making it appear that I had a WAY better time this morning than I actually did.
I would like to officially apologize to my toddler for cutting her left pancake before I cut her right pancake, I don’t know what I was thinking
Is it fall yet? I really can’t suck my stomach in much longer.
GOD- “I will send a plague that will kill all living things on earth”
*Fish slip the LORD a $20*
“On second thought how about a flood?”
Sorry, when you said you needed someone to listen to your problems, I assumed you meant by eavesdropping on your therapy sessions.
I use a headshot from 2008 on my LinkedIn to prepare future employers for disappointment
Just called to make an appointment with a psychic but she told me that I don’t show up.
So it turns out ghosting doesn’t work on credit card companies.
While assembling new desks at my kids’ school this afternoon another dad gave me unsolicited instructions on how to use an allen wrench. I’m not sure if I should be insulted that he thinks I’m an idiot or flattered that he thinks I can afford real furniture.
Sorry I picked up your pug and ran him in for a touchdown.
Wife: please stop eating so much salt.
Me: why?
Wife: too much sodium can lead to high blood pressure, heart attack, and stroke.
Me: so you’re saying too much sodium is a salt with a deadly weapon?
Wife: [pours more salt on my food].
Whenever I’m sharing an elevator and someone reaches for the panel I gently push their hand down and say “no.”
Me: wades through every single customer review and image before making an online purchase
Also me after receiving item: I will die before I rate this product
“What did I ever see in him?” – the Invisible Man’s ex
“I do not negotiate with terrorists!” said me, everyday, multiple times a day, to my children.
I try to use proper grammar and punctuation in all of my tweets, until I’m about to go over the 140 character limit…& den u no how it b.
Dietician: We need to talk about your self-control with donuts. Clearly, you have a problem. A donut crumb even clogged your phone’s charging port at one point…
Me: That IS self control
Dietician: how?
Me: If a crumb clogged the port, clearly I didn’t eat the whole donut
taking my contact lenses out and putting each in their own little soup for the night
*my obituary*
Here lies Sarah. She died of starvation after surrendering countless snacks to her “not hungry” children.
“I’m telling you, it’s all or nothing,” the exterminator explains to Noah, “I can’t just leave 2 woodworm. It doesn’t work like that.”
my body: please, eat something green
me: ugh, fine! *eats mint chip ice cream*
Person: Why are you in a wheelchair?
Me: I once asked a man why he was in a wheelchair. Now here I am.