[at store]
Salesperson: May I help you?
Me: Yes, I need something really nice that my wife can exchange next week
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my kid: I’m so hungry, I’ve never been hungrier, I could eat a horse, no wait I could eat a house, I need food right now
me: ok what do you want
my kid: you have to guess
It’s like mama always says, you’ve gotta pickle your battles
Stick your battles in a jar
Pour brine all over your battles
Let those battles sit for months until they turn sour
Choose the juiciest battle and serve it with a nice pastrami sandwich
The bar at our movie theater sells movie-themed drinks.
Imagine my dismay when I found out their Aquaman-themed drink wasn’t a Jason Mimosa.
“Are you working right now? Where are you working?”
Facebook is worse than my parents.
[Smoke billows from a pizza Oven at Papa Johns HQ]
Me: I see a new Papa has been chosen.
Idk if anyone else has experienced this but I don’t like when things negatively affect me
I was in a triathlon once and I even led briefly during the registration portion
*pulls curtain back while wife is in the shower*
me: Are we – stop screaming, it’s just me- are we out of Cheetos?
Twitter should disable deleting tweets and add a regret button instead.
Before they built this Trader Joe’s, there was just an empty field with wild shoppers politely blocking each other’s way
Me: Ok to empty the dishwasher I need to clear things away from the dish rack and before I do that I need to clear space in the drawer and before that…
~later~
My wife: Why are you on the roof painting the chimney?
Me: So I can empty the dishwasher.
Apparently Pound Town is NOT a British dollar store
[on phone]
ME: Babe what’s the wifi password?
HER: We broke up. I told you last night
ME: We broke up, got it. Any upper case or spaces?
i hate being a girl i wish i was a computer virus
Would you rather get paid $1,000,000 right now or pay somebody $10 a day to wake you up by punching you in the face?
I’ll take Option B. It keeps you motivated to go out and EARN. That’s the hustler mentality
was reading about defunct airlines again and i can’t believe they named it this
me: who’s a good boy?!?! you are!! the best boy!! such a good boy!!
My boyfriend handing me my takeout: can you stop doing this
Just saved my overly curious wife from the US Government right as she was about to Google “where do cannibals get their meat?”
who called it oktoberfest instead of septembeer?
[gains weight] ugh clothes don’t fit
[loses weight] ugh clothes don’t fit
Him: Can I have a bite of your dessert?
Me: I think we should see other people.
Mooom why do you always put clothes in there?
-my 3 yo, dropping toys in the hamper
My five-year plan? Well, I’d like to learn how to shuffle together a sandwich like you see in cartoons.
[daughter going on a date]
ME: I want her back at 9
DAUGHTER: dad, I’m 22
ME: you were cuter at 9
I consider page 2 of google results the dark web.
Answer every question with “Yes, but is it deep-fried?”
You know why some people wear socks with sandals?Cos they’ve never been punched in the head for it.If you see an offender,do the right thing
if someone asks me if I need help finding something in a department store I like to slowly describe a gun
It’s so condescending when self-defense instructors tell you to never go to a second location with your kidnapper, like, sir, do you even understand how a kidnapping works? I’m not trying to go ANYWHERE