Did you know that it takes 0 facial muscles to give you the finger
You Might Also Like
u could put a horse in a time machine and send it to any era and the horse’s life would literally be the same
Me: I lost twelve followers today.
Wife: On Twitter?
Me: In the woods.
Wife: You’re the Cub Scout leader! It’s your responsibility to find those children!
gimma back my stick frost man… 😖☃️
Friend: *crying* I’ve been to Hell and back.
Me: *hugging her* Did you bring me a souvenir?
ME: I got pizza sauce on my mouse. I need a new one.
IT DEPARTMENT: You should just be able to wipe it off.
ME: Too late, I ate it.
My kid glued a jenga block to the wall like some kind of hunting trophy, and now I’m going to have to tell people it’s modern art because I can’t get it to come off
Ankles by my ears? What is this? Cirque du Soleil??
I would like to be a zombie because when someone asked me if I had a boyfriend I could just eat them.
“Dad, you called me my brother’s name.”
I’m sorry *30 second pause* little dude.
[Me]: What’s a snowman’s favorite drink?
[Bartender]: idk
[Me]: Brrrr-bon lol
[Bartender]: …
[Me]: jk snowmen don’t drink they aren’t real
Seems to me the guy who named sneakers was up to no good.
*pees on all the jellyfish on the beach preventatively*
HEY JALAPENOS!
Me doing the macarena dance
Someone on Facebook added me to my high school reunion page and wants volunteers to help with it. I said I’d love to, but I have a pillow that I need to suffocate myself with instead.
tonight i learned that my mom ended a friendship because the person in question claimed a baby was flirting, and i have never respected her more
Gary Numan is 13 days older than Gary Oldman. I don’t even know what to believe any more
Nicknamed my newly crawling baby Roomba, for the obvious reasons
Holy shit a street psychic just stopped me & said I’m a special person who cares deeply about some things & I’m freaking ’cause that’s SO me
[Michael Cera knocked backwards by ejecting toast]
If I ever post that I’ve hit the gym, it’s only because I lost control of my car.
I parallel parked perfectly in front of my boys and now they think I’m possessed.
Sorry to all my coworkers who have to listen to me whisper the sassy email replies I wish I could send
We’re all McNuggets in search of the right dipping sauce.
My favorite thing on Twitter is when two astrologers fight about who’s right.
I’m at the point in my life where “friend with benefits” just means a person who gives me their Bed Bath & Beyond coupons.
Instead of premarital counseling, engaged couples should be required to do a premarital home renovation project.
If I’ve learned anything from this year, it’s that my family needs no more than 1 can of tuna for a pandemic. In a panic I bought 20 cans of tuna and 9 months later we have 20 cans of tuna.
I do not hit my children. However, I do text them in complete sentences with capitalization and punctuation, which is apparently equally aggressive.
Fun Fact: There are only 4 actors in the entire United Kingdom at any one time and they take turns playing every role in every British TV show and movie. Here they currently are:
Guy Who Invented Figurative Speech: I’ve got something that’ll blow your minds.
Townspeople: *fleeing in abject terror*