Actually you’re having a conversation with yourself. I’m just here so you don’t appear totally insane.
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[party]
friend: that piñata you picked out looks so lifelike
piñata: *struggles against ropes*
11,780 cans of beans on the wall…
A new report claims 90% of fish could be wiped out in a mass extinction. On the plus side – it will make it much easier to find Nemo.
“Two can play at that game”
-guy who’s confused about solitaire.
Spot cleaning is great because I just pick one spot to clean and then I’m done.
[hijacking a hot-air balloon] i have scissors
[gains weight] ugh clothes don’t fit
[loses weight] ugh clothes don’t fit
When I was younger I was into athletics. I miss the guys from the 4x400m relay team. We ran in the same circles.
My mom on the phone: “Hi hon, how’s your libido?”
Vertigo. She meant my vertigo.
My husband better stop watching me back the car out of the driveway or I’ll hit the mailbox on purpose this time.
I’m bored and that can only mean one thing.
My bank accounts about to take a hit.
3 day weekend: *exists*
Americans:
Capri sun packages were designed to teach kids how to do emergency tracheotomies
Blood is thicker than water, but rhinoceros poop is thicker than blood, so..
I got laid off from Twitter for accidentally reacting with 😂 instead of 🔥 on a sexy dm room pic.
If I’ve learned anything from movies, it’s that if you are investigating something important and get shot, you have to leave the hospital, even though the doctors say you shouldn’t.
Me: sorry I rode a giraffe to your grandmas funeral
Friend: what? that’s not a giraffe
Me: sorry I’m on drugs at your grandmas funeral
waking up with a headache was not the pounding I was hoping for
I think when calories reach a certain point snack companies should be allowed to say “You don’t want to know” on the nutrition label.
Centipede *gets down on 50 knees*
Girlfriend: OMG
My Grandad had a pet shop. Which was a stupid thing to have as a pet.
All set.
A bird in the… *BLOCKED*
Birds of … *BLOCKED
The early bird catches the wo…*BLOCKED & REPORTED FOR ABUSIVE CONTENT-worms on Twitter
Wife: I want a divorce.
Me: [into drive-thru intercom] One divorce please.
Free pizza at work got me like “Fine, I’ll come back on Monday”.
The extra hour from Daylight Saving Time gave me the opportunity to get so much more housework done!
I didn’t do any of it.
But I certainly had the opportunity.
Watched a quiet place part 2 tonight and all I could think about was how screwed they all are once that baby becomes a toddler
ME: I wasn’t invited to the party
FRIEND: Yeah, people think you’re melodramatic
ME: [slaps friend with silk glove] Then I shall die alone
It’s all fun and games until you realize you’re the girl at work known as “how is she still employed.”
Him: What’s your cup size?
Me: Venti