[email from Cheryl in HR] Stop calling it Januternity. You’re damaging staff morale.
You Might Also Like
Been on 3 dates now with this girl who works in the zoo. I think she’s a keeper
I get my vegetables the same way every other adult does…an iced carrot cake muffin.
HEY TWITTER IF I WANTED 10,000 CHARACTERS THAT I WASN’T INTERESTED IN I WOULD START WATCHING GAME OF THRONES
Your home, like all homes, has an extra light switch that appears to do nothing when flipped. Nevertheless, you pass many idle hours curiously flipping it up and down. Far away, enormous dressage horses spawn out of thin air in my kitchen. Stop flipping the horse switch. Please.
we can cancel Times Square we’ve dropped the ball all year.
Guten Morgen. What do you call an angry German mob?
Sauer crowd.
They say you shouldn’t drive distracted…
that’s why I make my kids run along side the car.
*first date*
Me: *in the bathroom texting my mom* Hey can you vacuum the food crumbs out of my racecar bed I think I’m gonna have sex tonight
I feel like this would increase accidents because if I saw that I would assume it’s a demon arriving to drag my soul to hell.
Me: Alexa, tell me about your new privacy policy.
Alexa: Your next door neighbor said you guys were hillbillies.
Not to brag, but my antics at work resulted in several items being added to the employee manual.
I got a 100 dollar giftcard to Kmart and now I can’t decide which Kmart I want to buy.
This ad says: “3 out of 5 smokers die”
Apparently the other 2 become immortal.
SPOUSE: No.
ME: It’s just a costume.
SPOUSE: You’re not going to your parents’ Halloween party as “the child they wished they had.”
Taylor Swift is a psyop designed to get my wife to hum little tunes here and there
Maybe we should put monkeys in charge for a while just to see how it goes.
My boss: hey you got a sec?
Me: I have all the secs
Boss: what?
Me: what?
an airline just for babies.
Donate one kidney and you’re a hero. Donate a couple more and suddenly you’re a monster
My iPhone: Face ID
Me: 💁♀️
My iPhone : hmm.. passcode
When I told someone at work I didn’t have plans for Halloween because I’m not 5 y/o, she seemed stunned. I guess I really do look young.
Reasons to not eat cookies:
– there are no cookies
– you’re trapped under something heavy and can’t reach the cookies.End of list
Melo: “What I gotta do to get signed?”
NBA:
Minister: Should anyone present know of a reason why this couple should not be joined in holy matrimony, speak now, or…
Me: I’m so glad you asked, she still hasn’t returned two of my favorite Tupperware containers.
I’m going to the gym now.
Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.
What if “my anaconda don’t want none unless you got buns, hun” was just Sir Mix-a-Lot saying that his pet snake is a picky eater and prefers bunnies.
Roses are red
Daisies are white
I’m in a grumpy mood
My underwear is too tight
Joe: Okay so we sneak in one night around February, steal his shoes
Obama: Joe
Joe: And then dump legos all over the floor
*kicks house door down* I SAID HAVE YOU ACCEPTED JESUS INTO YOUR LIFE?
When hipsters replaced hippies, we lost free love and drugs and got skinny jeans. Worst. Trade. Ever.