Very normal stages of anger:
1) kinda upset
2) crying
3) imagining yourself singing a revengeful song to them at a talent show
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Chances of my kid no longer liking their ‘favourite’ snack the day after I bought the Costco size box of it? 210%
I don’t have Facebook I use the police to tell my friends and family when I’m doing badly
Me: [whacks huge hairy spider with rolled up newspaper] …Got it!
David Attenborough to Producer: Can we get a different camera operator please
You can just make up words and if you say them in a Scottish accent, people will think they’re real:
Looka the wee janglers on that tary bibbit.
Widow: did he say anything before he passed?
Me: *tearing up* he just said “tell Sheila i love her”
Widow: who the hell is Sheila?
Brb taking my potted plant for a walk
“And that is tha sunshine, and this is another plant, you guys can’t be friends he lives outside”
So, it’s OK if Robert Plant says “I’m gonna give you my love”, but I say it once and have to see HR?
It’s not like I knew my fly was open!
My 5 year old hasn’t said a word in the car after I convinced him that the volume control on our stereo ejects his car seat.
Got CPR and CCR confused. Ended up playing “Fortunate Son” on my boombox while watching a man die.
My wife and I toss a coin to settle arguments; heads she wins, tails I apologise.
uh-oh. Bad news for Trump
[CPR dummy coming home from work]
WIFE: is that lipstick on your face? who’s been *does the air quotes gesture* ‘resuscitating’ you today huh?
DUMMY: for the last time Carol it’s my job
My son says I only had kids so I could make them do chores. Like yes, I made a bunch of messy, whiny poop machines so they could cry while doing a crap job of cleaning that I just have to redo later.
At cardio class tonight, a 22yo size 0 told me “you run fast for someone your age” so now I have a body to bury if anyone wants to help me.
let me be very clear: i would rather attend a Pig’s wedding than attempt to sift through the dumpster you people have made out of my dm box,
Stop buying me complex technological devices that I have to go take a class to learn how to use just buy me a goat
is it pronounced stephen or stefan? anyways he’s now pronounced dead, sorry about your dad kid *ruffles hair*
At the store- I better pick up a can of black beans. I’m not sure if there’s any at home.
Putting groceries away- Shit, I already had 8 cans of black beans.
My husband wants a fourth child. I hope his new wife will be good to my three.
Unfollowed a bunch of people this morning because of their views on sweater vests.
Avocados were 5 for $2 so anyway that’s how I ended up paying $2 to eat one avocado
*guy struggling to pick his teeth with a toothpick*
Narrator: Don’t you wish there were a better way?-commercial for business cards
[at restaurant]
Me: “I’m so hungry I could eat a horse”Wife: “I’m the same”
Horse family at next table: *just sitting very still*
oh, he likes camping? crush some leaves and put them in your hair.
We’re all in this together. Now, make a human shield, peasants.
There’s nothing sadder then the look on my dogs face after he hears something hit the floor and discovers it’s only lettuce 🙁
Only recently discovering that math is a branch of science probably explains my math marks in high school.
[leaving store without bag]
Cashier: Forgetting something?
“Oh wow, how embarrassing”
*walks back to give her a hug and kiss on the lips*
If you’re reading this, congratulations on not being raptured. Im glad you’re still here.