hi, how are you?
–yoda asking how high you are
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Oh no Baby Hitler is trending did he die or something
Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite fi
Really enjoyed rearranging my onions into a different position this morning for half an hour. Huge day for us.
People will never forget you, if you push them down the stairs.
He left his fantasy football open and I rearranged his line up by how hot the players are.
That’s how the fight started
[plane about to crash]
him: if there’s anything you want to say to me, now’s the time.
me: I watched all of Stranger Things without you. Good news is I can tell you how it ends before we die.
Me: I can’t wait to say goodbye to 2021!
2022: *Somehow already on fire*
Putting on mascara without opening my mouth is on my bucket list
Apparently people mistook my innocent “what street did you grow up on” tweet for data mining.
Which is hysterical in a completely non-Russian bot fabricated to crack your Pinterest password & steal your Dog Sweater Vision Board ideas kind of way.
(genuine human laughter)
Sleepless in Seattle starring Tom Honks and Meg Ryan (1993)
I left some new office rules in the break room of an office I don’t work at…
AA MEETING
Chairman: Please, introduce yourself
Eminem: Hi! My name is..
C: What?
E: My name is..
C: Who?
E: Hi! My name is..
C: Huh?
THIS is the sort of creativity we need at met galas and runways. I’m obsessed
Imagine if Iron Man could do whatever an iron can. 🎶 Flattens shirts, with his heat. Gives your slacks a nifty pleat. 🎶
[Gets caught shitting in my neighbour’s cat litter tray]
“WTF are you doing in my house?”
I..um, *rubs neck* ran over your cat 6 months ago.
😂🤣😂🤣😂🤣
If two creepy eels slither up to you and promise to solve all your problems and make your dreams come true, be skeptical. That’s all I’m saying.
*swivels around in evil chair*
*evil laugh*
*pets evil cat*
*evil cat laughs*
*jumps out of evil chair*
“Holy shit, that cat just laughed!”
You know you’ve got a drinking problem when you’re looking at the unleaded nozzle being labeled as 15% ethanol and you’re like “same, brother”
“We’re promoting you to Anchor”
Reporters: 🙂
Sailors: 🙁
“I < 3 You” means I’m smaller than 3 of you.
wife: What would you do if one of the boys told you he was gay?
me [trying to find the remote] Ask him if he’s seen the remote
I was at a Hanukkah party at my uncle’s house and one of my cousins was like, “hey look it’s bitcoin” and held up a piece of gelt that he’d taken a bite out of
Who named it an army ant and not a combatant?
Dear dogs, thank you for sleeping at night.
Dear cats, what the hell is your problem?
Jesus: “BRAINS!”
*everyone looks scared*
Jesus: “Just kidding! I’m fine, I’m fine.”
I’ve been misusing the term “sunk cost fallacy” for years but it’s too late to stop now.
“Oh, hello! I didn’t see you there” – Translation: I have failed to avoid you.