The new jumper I bought kept picking up static electricity, so I took it back and they exchanged it for another one free of charge.
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UNNATURAL ~>Homosexuality
NATURAL ~> Virgins giving birth, talking snakes, dead coming back to life, walking on water.
Confused yet?
As soon as they heard the flush, my phone interview took a drastic turn.
boss: can you fit me into your schedule
me: schMEdule
cow: I hate when you boss me around
farmer: what’s that supposed to mean?
cow: you herd me
Just seductively flipped my hair to the side and a partially eaten chocolate Santa fell out.
Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.
God: Noah, I’d like to talk to you about the animals you have on the Ark
Noah: what’s wrong?
God: are you sure they aren’t all just dogs wearing different animal costumes
Noah: *with a dog sized elephant humping his leg* hahaha that’s crazy
I’ll take 2 tacos and one jail marriage…
What do I “do for fun”? I’m an adult. It’s a good day if nothing breaks in my house, I don’t need Ibuprofen, and my favorite laundry detergent goes on sale.
When my dog hears another dog down the street, he always looks at me like I had something to do with it.
“would you still love me if i was a worm?” yes. more, in fact.
Interestingly, if we invade North Korea because it caused us to miss a movie, that still won’t be the worst reason we ever went to war.
[wife leaving for the weekend]
“Baby formula is in the cupbo–”
“I think I know how to make a baby. Now go & enjoy your dad’s funeral.”
Having children teaches you patience, humility, love and to never, ever, be surprised when you find a Barbie doll leg clogging the toilet.
astronauts be acting like they’re so cool, as if we didn’t know at least 60 dogs and monkeys went to space before them
If honey is supposed to be so great for your voice, why does it sound like Winnie the Pooh has been shotgunning bleach?
man…im so hungry i could-
*i catch eye contact with a horse*
“you could what?”
*shows his gun*
i could.. eat a sandwich
“thought so.”
I told the 8 clowns in a tiny cop car to “clown arrest me! Take me to clown jail!” And they did. Bail has been set at 150 banana cream pies.
I forgot all the Spanish I learned as a high school señor.
Dude is taking me out of town for my birthday this weekend. He won’t tell me where we’re going but he has a shovel and 3 bags of lime in his truck so I’m thinking somewhere outside like maybe hiking.
…sees you when you’re sleeping, knows when you’re awake, knows if you’ve been bad or good…
Me: Omg, this song is about my phone.
ignore the news reports that say bees have learned how to use the internet. they are lies. bees sting us because they love us. bees are safe inside our warm homes. a bee did not write this
My son got mad unfollowed me… I disconnected his phone.
-I win
Finding a human tooth in my fortune cookie was just the beginning.
Why didn’t they just call the Selfie Stick a NarcissiStick?
It doesn’t matter what’s behind you, keep moving forward at your own pace, you’ll get there..
Unless it’s flashing lights behind you ..then floor it and hope they don’t catch up…
Why are you mad at me because YOU’RE an idiot? I didn’t make you stupid.
Kanye West builds a time machine so he can interrupt himself interrupting Taylor Swift.
My superpower is choosing the one table in a restaurant next to the woman talking loudly enough that I know her entire family tree when I leave.