Body: *sharp abdominal pain*
Me: Oh, God. Is that cancer? I bet it’s cancer.
Body: Are you gonna go to the doctor? If you’re worried it’s cancer let’s go get it checked out.
Me: No, I’m good.
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I’m so old that if I was a Care Bear, I’d be Medicare Bear.
Date Tip: If a date is going well, a series of loud hoots will scare off other suitors
My boss: There are no stupid questions
Me: Do people get discounted manicures if they’re missing a finger?
My boss: I’m going home early
sometimes I wonder if it’s possible to be TOO happy, then I remember that it’s not possible to be TOO stoned, so the answer is: banana
Not interested in your mayonnaise-based holidays
Confession: I’ve said “Can’t wait!” about things I actually could wait for.
listening to jazz: do any of them know what the other ones are playing
I don’t know what’s a video game and what’s a movie anymore. I think I was trying to play a movie for a few hours last night.
Hilarious when peoples outgoing voicemail message says they “can’t make it to the phone right now.” You carry the phone with you. It’s the only constant in your life
One time i watched a movie where al pacino played a cop & then i watched another one where he was a real estate salesman & then another one where he was a union leader & i was all, like, “haha, can this guy NOT hold down a job?”
“Sushi” is Japanese for “take a picture of this, white girls.”
I usually bring an air horn to a funeral to make sure the person is really dead.
bank robber: show me the vault!
clerk (an amateur gymnast): oh hell yeah
dentist: so, are you flossing?
me: are you using a unique password for every account?
Can’t get a girl? Rip out your rib and make your own! Critics are raving “this doesn’t work” and “I’m bleeding to death”.
Things Stephen King books taught me to be afraid of:
-dogs
-cars
-storm drains
-hotels
-the street
-writers
-little girls
-the prom
Operator: 911 what’s your emergency?
Me: PEOPLE ARE TAGGING ME IN PICTURES ON FACEBOOK AND I’M NOT EVEN IN THEM!
[putting on wedding dress]
me: I feel like I’m making a big mistake
maid of honor: yes the bride should be wearing that
One day my dad was outside watching a thunder and lightning storm and my mom brought him a metal chair to sit in.
A love story
oh you like architecture? name three walls
Dads love inspecting a small injury like a splinter and saying “looks like we’ll have to amputate”.
[contacting you by Ouija board after murdering you]
AND ANOTHER THING
Hey I worked for it too!
I don’t go on Facebook much so Dave, if you’re seeing this, thanks for the invite to your 2007 New Year’s party, hope you had fun dude.
Me: I have this severe pain in my elbow for a few days
Dr: *examines me* Looks like you have acute tendonitis
Me: Aw thanks but where is that pain coming from?
PRIEST: In the beginning there was the word
ME: capsicum
P: no
M: tumescent gerund caliphate
P: stop trying to guess the word
M: maelstrom
It doesn’t matter how hard I try, I just don’t seem to be going anywhere in life
Hamster therapist: Sounds like you’re in a vicious circle
ANNOYING SHIT THAT’S HAPPENING:
Fourth grader’s constant use of the phrase, “I know from experience…”.
Home is where the bag filled with plastic bags filled with plastic bags filled with plastic bags is.
*wakes up due to construction noise*
*tosses and turns all pissed off*
*finally decides to get up*
*construction noise stops*