When I was a kid there were two ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents
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“Don’t play with your food,” I say to a toddler eating crackers shaped like farm animals.
I feel like trying new things in bed. Like getting up for instance.
Marriage isn’t between a man and a woman. It’s between a person who is certain they closed the garage door and a person who is certain they did not close the garage door.
“Oh, hey! I didn’t even recognize you!” means “I saw you and tried to avoid you, but here you are.”
“my eye is up here”
-Illuminati pyramid
but whales can’t sink a sub
ORCAn they?
Just ran into my therapist and she didn’t recognize me and I’m not sure who I’m supposed to talk to about this
Him: sometimes I think you just don’t care
Me: [hands in the air] why would you think that
if i was gandalf, i absolutely wouldn’t make four tiny little shoeless bumpkin boys a core part of my crack team to defeat a goblin mega-hitler, but it worked so fair play to him
“My Ex is amazing in all ways. My Ex is smarter, more successful, and more attractive than I am.”
– bumper sticker I put on my Ex’s car
Might start docking extra points from students who aren’t smart enough to cheat on their distance learning vocab tests.
My favorite thing right now is calling air pods ‘air buds’ in front of my daughter and her friends.
*casually walks into a crowded Sushi Restaurant wearing a dolphin costume* *suddenly stops, looks horrified, & backs slowly out the door*
BEAR IN A TRENCHCOAT: yes i’m here for the fish tube job
found out today that in my 7-unit “no pets allowed” apartment building, I am the only one without a cat. I’ve been surrounded by secret cats this whole time
Remember, you are statistically more likely to be killed by a donkey than a plane crash.
[Donkey Pilot turns and does throat slit gesture]
I have seen lots of recipes for things to make from leftover chocolate from Easter this week. Which leads me to the question: what is leftover chocolate?
It’s crazy how you can be shopping in a hardware store and need help but can’t find a single employee to help you, then there are times when you don’t need help and five employees will pop up out of no where asking if you need help.
Every. Single. Time.
[date]
ME: do you have kids or pets?
HER: a son and a cat
ME: what are their names?
HER: John & Batman
ME: nice! my son is also named Batman
A 22 year old girl said to me “there’s NO WAY you are 41”
I put her in my pocket and took her home.
She’s mine now.
I bet Eve bit that apple because she knew she was going to get a bunch of clothes out of it.
Anything is detachable if you pull hard enough.
Good News: It wasn’t a colon polyp.
Bad News: somewhere, a craigslist escort is missing a press-on nail.
Twitter is like a dog: There’s always someone who loves you for you… there’s also always someone who just peed in an inappropriate place.
If you need a ride to the airport, give me at least two weeks notice so I’ll have a chance to clear my schedule and die
What do you call a monkey in a mine field?
A babooom!
“Sorry, are you…?”
“Oh… no! No, I’m not, sorry…”
“Ah! That’s ok, haha, thanks, sorry”
“Sorry”Transcript of a Brit asking another Brit if they’re in the queue
Just a reminder that with Die Hard, Robin Hood and Love Actually, ‘Alan Rickman ruins Christmas’ is a whole movie subgenre.
A huge thanks to the person that did this