They really taught us calculus and then left us to fend for ourselves when it comes to taxes and putting the duvet cover back on
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Roses are red
Violets are blue
Keep your goddamn mouth closed
Whenever you chew
I bet you don’t believe it, but I lived on Mars for years.
However, only eating chocolate did rot my teeth.
#ChocolateDay #RubbishJokes
Have you ever noticed that Santa brings better gifts to the kids that have rich parents?
You know you’ve mastered marriage when you shout to your husband, “Take the thing off the thing,” and he immediately removes the tin foil from the baking sheet.
The Katy Perry song that goes, “You’re hot and you’re cold,” was actually about a microwaveable burrito.
Car salesmen: Good evening
Me: TAKE IT EASY PAL I’M JUST LOOKING AROUND
Sure I may be a little nuts, I tell my family, but how boring would our house be if I wasn’t?
If I was a vegetable I’d be asparagus. You don’t want to eat it because it’s weird, then you love it until the next day when everything smells
Me: *unsubscribes from marketing emails*
[5 months later]
Company: you didn’t unsubscribe from “emails about our products”
Me: *unsubscribes*
[9 months later]
Company: you didn’t unsubscribe from “client success stories”
“Sorry, we can’t sell you one jalapeño for 35 cents. But we can sell you a plastic-wrapped styrofoam tray with 8 jalapeños on it for $2.99. Then you can use the one jalapeño you need, and let the rest go moldy in the fridge for a couple weeks before you toss them out.”
[trying on a camouflage jacket]
Me: how much is this
Store Clerk: how much is what
[date gets back from the bathroom]
those batman toys in the tub are so cute! How old are your kids?
“kids?”
My best relationship advice: Make sure you’re the crazy one.
deleting dating apps because I want to meet someone the old fashioned way (he and his donkey rescue me from a tower guarded by a dragon)
Instead of a sock on your door, hang a doughnut. Not only is Doughnut Disturb hilarious, you provide a snack for your now homeless roommate.
Me: How are you doing?
4yo: Thank you…and no thank you!
Me: Same though.
“I’m hungover”
– Lame
– Big deal
– Get off the couch“The gods have punished me for my indulgences”
– Oh damn
– That sounds serious
– Shall I prepare a healing poultice?
Most arachnophobes end up secretly being spiders themselves
“i don’t think i’ll have kids”
-plain
-invites arguments“this bloodline dies with me”
-assertive
-metal as hell
-implies you’re taking on a great and noble burden which allows no arguments
No thanks “protected account”. You can’t trick me into following you!
For all I know, you could be a vegan.
professor x: what’s ur superpower
me: hindsight
professor x: that won’t help us
me: yes i see that now
Winnie the Pooh: will u marry me?
Piglet: for the last time, u don’t get a literal “honey” moon
Pooh: pls say yes I need to see for myself
I like how people say “travel safely” like I’m the one flying the plane.
never seen my husband madder than the time i snuck on his facebook and blindly ‘liked’ every single post on the feed for 10 minutes
why’s it called Top Gun when the guns are on the bottom of the plane
Me, for fun: What do you think you want to be when you grow up? Teacher, engineer, doctor, lawyer…
8, angrily: I have told you many times I WANT TO DELIVER PIZZA.
Me: Well, that’s considerably less stress. And tuition.
Others: if you want your house to smell like xmas take a pot of water & add sliced oranges,cinnamon sticks, vanilla, peppercorns, cranberries, forage for 3 pine branches and simmer all day
Me: lights xmas candle
Bringing in an edit button would deny us glorious tweets like these
a ‘suggested’ serving size of chips seems to have been calculated by someone who has never eaten a chip
I picked up good pizza and took it to Little Caesars to show it what happens to bad pizza.