Her: “Oh my God! Where did you learn to do that with your tongue?
Me: “Cadbury eggs.”
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Your mom doesn’t understand
Your dad doesn’t understand
Your friends don’t understandBut french fries, french fries understand you
Cop: do you know why I pulled u over?
Me: yeah, I was going like 120 back there
Cop:….
Me:..
Cop: sir, your tailamp is out
Me:…
Cashier: You’re the first person to not buy flowers or chocolates today.
Me: * looks down at burrito and donuts *
It’s still love though.
Trump’s rhetoric has become even more disturbing and incendiary. Today he claimed “Burger King fries are as good as McDonald’s fries.”
My wife is scrolling through Netflix to see what shows I watched between now and when she asked me to vacuum. Shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit.
Seriously guys, you have no idea how much nothing I can accomplish when I’m on Twitter.
If you do blood curdling screams and run your fastest zig zag patterns I bet you could make it out of a store with at least forty seven eggs
Poor thing almost 47 years of wtf 🤣🤣💀
[first date]
Me: don’t let her know you’re a lizard
Her: why did you just say that?
Me: (gets scared and loses my tail but I grow a new one)
If you work in an office trust that you have a nickname.
Everyone has a nickname.
If you don’t know yours, rest assured that it’s not very flattering.
Just ask Midlife crisis Matt over there.
One of Jesus’ most impressive accomplishments was being 33 years old and still having 12 really close friends.
Damn girl, are you a plate of microwaved leftovers? Because you’re hot on the outside and cold on the inside.
A lot of communication between a toddler and a mother is nonverbal. For example, today my 1-year-old walked up to me and handed me deodorant.
We’re looking for a place with a nice view of the sidewalk, a big garden to dig up and a soundproof basement for storms.
–Dog House Hunters
Have to write a note to my kid’s first grade teacher, and now I’m stressed out about my handwriting
Me: where do you want to eat?
My gf, a moth: idc you decide
[arranges a candlelit dinner]
Me: my god, I’ve made a huge mistake
Always crush and snort your first pill on the pharmacy counter to make sure they’re not passing you some fake shit.
[cats at shelter]
Where’s Frank?
“Got adopted 3 weeks ago. Gone soft too. Healthcare plan. Hypoallergenic blanket. Goes by Mr. Boots now.”
Parents: don’t give your child the answers to his homework. He needs to learn on his own that you don’t know what you’re talking about.
*gets tax refund* *calls zoo*
Hello, how much to rent an otter for the day? Please say less than $47. Hello?
I don’t buy fat-free milk because I don’t want to encourage cows with negative body image issues.
Thanks to my wife for putting back the empty box of Froot Loops back in the pantry. Now I can have a big bowl of disappointment for breakfast.
“your sock has a hole in it” yeah no shit that’s how i get my foot in there linda
To everyone who wrote “stay cool” in my middle school year book…I have some devastating news
I didn’t know children could be old enough to eat $70 worth of sushi but still have to be told to flush the toilet after every use
When I was a kid there were two sure ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents.
[two australians playing chess in a restaurant]
check, mate
*everyone explodes*
A simple turtleneck can hide all manner of candy necklaces.
I got about 8 seconds into explaining the Kate Middleton situation to my French husband before he told me, in the Frenchest voice imaginable, “ah yes, that’s why we decided not to have those sorts of people anymore”
Sex at my age is like cooking spaghetti noodles;
At first, it doesn’t seem like much, but any more, and you’re in over your head.