Sorry I missed your call earlier, I was sitting in my bed with my phone in my hand watching it ring
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To the parent who sent their kid with slime as a Valentine to the class I just want you to know that I will send my daughter with kinetic sand to give to your kid as a thank you gift.
Text from my mom, after watching my sons all day:
“Did the boys show you the movie they made that’s 17 minutes long and is the most boring thing on earth?”
It’s so easy getting women wet, it’s refilling my bucket back up with water quickly enough I find challenging.
Cop: Will I find any drugs in your car?
Me: I don’t know but if you do, I’m not sharing.
You in the crosswalk: I stopped for you. I stopped. I’m stopped. I won’t unstop. Don’t look at me. Just walk. Go. For the love of God.
AT MY FUNERAL:
My old school nurse: *throws an ice pack and a cracker into my coffin* That should help.
HIM: *turning the heat down* You have the heat too high!
HER: *turning it up* No, YOU have the heat too LOW!
MARRIAGE COUNSELOR: Stop that, this is my office.
[at a racetrack]
DATE: Which horse are you betting on?
ME: I don’t have a horse in this race
DATE: That’s fair
ANNOUNCER: [over speakers] Wow, folks, it looks like a large raccoon has just rolled onto the track
sisters are so important. how else would my mom find out all the stuff i didn’t want her to know
Niece: I like math
M: 5 X 1?
N: 5
M: *takes out phone* right
N:You’re using your phone?
M: I got a text
N: I didnt hear a sound*runs away*
Interviewer: And what are your long term goals?
Me: I was thinking cremation.
Asking me for advice is like asking broccoli to fix your bicycle.
torturing my cousin whos trying to get me a birthday gift
Friend: Can I be honest with you about something?
Me: Of course!
Friend: You sometimes-
Me: *walking into the ocean* Hahah I know, right?
My kid’s latest drawing. Guys, should I be disturbed? I am disturbed.
[rap battle]
Opponent: *crushes it*
Me: Oh, I… umm. I thought this was something else… *hastily hides plastic wrap behind back*
ME: [whispering]”Yes, 911? Someone’s breaking into my house!”
911: Stay calm. Do you have an address?
ME: “um no. I have on pajamas”
Therapist: remember the key to a happy marriage is poise and self-sacrifice.
Me: [writes down poison self; sacrifice] that makes a lot of sense Doc.
It’s like ten thousand followers when all you need is an emergency contact.
[space mission studying behaviour of snakes on the moon]
astronaut: “we should’ve taken our own”
astronaut holding net: “just keep looking”
Did Counting Crows ever give us a total number of crows
My 4yo just tried to pass the 9 yo’s Mother’s Day card as her own, and while I don’t support lying I do respect the hustle
when steven spielberg was my age he was directing Jaws. meanwhile i am posting stuff like “drunk yoda be like ‘good to drive i am, give me the keys you will'”
“Hello darkness my old friend.”
Darkness: I’m not lending you any money.
Co Worker: I’m a workaholic.
Me: Oh. My. God. He’s been drinking Workahol!!
16 zombie actors injured on movie set. Saddly no one noticed for 3 hours.
OMG the land line just rang
OMG we still have a land line
Sorry I can’t pay for a new car right now, I’m still paying off a Naked Juice I bought in 2014
Son (pointing): “Daddy what’s that?”
Me: “that’s a goat.”
Son: “Why?”
Me: …
[carrying sleeping cat out of burning house]
seriously, what purpose do you serve