Cop: Why did you burn that building down?
Me: Because they keep sending emails after unsubscribing.
Cop: You’re free to go.
You Might Also Like
I’m smart but not “know when to stop eating” smart.
“Paper or plastic?”
I don’t know. How can anyone really know?
“Uhh-”
I’m bagnostic
Exactly like a tissue box dispenser, except for cold cuts.
Fact: if you drop a penny from a skyscraper it can kill someone on the street? It’s true, I’m still glad I went with a bowling ball though
Stealing pillows is not as easy as I thought…
“STOP FRISKING ME
I’M JUST FLUFFY BONED!”
And by noon on the 7th day, God said these kids need some iPads.
“I’d tap that.”
– Morse code operatives flirting.
If she says “I’m fine” that means she’s fine and you can keep playing Xbox
A lizard fell on my hand as I opening the window… now I have to explain why there was a young lady screaming in my room 👀
👽Hey aliens, Since you’re in the area can you please come get me? I’ve got Coca-Cola and chicken!
Apparently telling the kids that you’re not in the mood for their shit does not improve their behavior, but it does teach your toddler how to say shit.
Dr: do you know why you gained weight?
*Flashbacks to eating fries in the car sobbing and blasting Adele*
Me: no, better run some tests
Me: *just woke up*
My gym bro: dude you look like you just woke up
Me: *panics in just have been woken up*
We’re all getting idioter.
Psssst. You guys. When Canada is sleeping we should sneak up there and remove the all the U keys from their keyboards.
My favorite Slipknot member is the one who wears the mask.
Good neighbors never bother you.
Great neighbors don’t call the cops when you pass out naked on their lawn.
MAR 14: Pi Day
MAR 15: Ides of March
MAR 17: St. Patrick’s DayMAR 16: middle child, left out as usual
Where is my emotional support mac n cheese when I need it?
can’t imagine the number of vampires that have been run over since back up cameras on cars were invented.
I only want to be cremated if they use real cream.
*sets cauldron over crackling fire*
*adds lock of his hair*
*does magicky stuff*Now love me.
**POOF**
*my left eyebrow falls off*
My kid wants me to tell China that they should have camouflaged the balloon by painting it blue with clouds and stuff, and since she’s not wrong I’m wondering, do I write a letter or is there a phone number I can call
I trust Chick-fil-A so much that I don’t even check my bag and if they get my order wrong I just assume they know what’s best for me.
as you get older you make or cancel plans based on the weather. no sorry i can’t go to the store today, it’s too windy.
*rocking back and forth, trying to gather enough momentum to get out of a chair* WHO ARE YOU CALLING FAT?
Kid: Can we pleeease stop for ice cream?
Mom: What did I just say?!?
Kid: Don’t you remember?
Do you sell bloodpants?
“Nope”
Shitpants?
“Nope”
Droolpants?
“Nope”
Sweatpants?
“Right this way…”
[first date]
HER: So, I hear you’re a dog person-
ME: [tucking my tail between my legs] WHO TOLD YOU
I’m evidently not allowed to call our impatient billionaire customer “Captain Busypants”