Not Wordle. Just a cactus.
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Bruce Willis calls the cops to report the pug that’s been chasing him. The line is silent except for soft panting. the operator barks
doctor: where does it hurt
me: everywhere
doctor: where specifically
me: well right now, in your office
I bought a metal detector.
Beach better have my money.
DATE: Do you like cats?
ME: *flipping menu* What page are you on?
[graduation]
…and I owe it all to my mom, and my late dad *sheds tear*
[crowd cries]
*dad walks in holding starbucks*
“traffic, my bad”
I just googled “Is there really cowbell in the actual song Don’t Fear the Reaper?” and my first response was, “Go outside and do something.”
People laugh cause I’ve got 3 cats, but come the next Ice Age, when I speed past you on my cat sled, who’ll be laughing then?
My wife said something about being interested in swinging, so last night I did a 55 minute PowerPoint presentation on all the info I found online.
Her: how about you just fix the kids swing in the backyard like I asked
[Jesus goes over the bill at the last supper]
“Why would-[closes eyes & rubs bridge of nose]-Why would anyone order wine?”
[showing off the 13” dildo i found in the dumpster behind 7/11] he’s a rescue
Emotional support bacon is a thing right? Because I’m on pound number 2
This time of year, I grab weeds while I’m walking my dog and weave them into little wreaths that I leave around the neighborhood… specifically because there is a woman on Next Door who is furious because she thinks they are signs of witchcraft. I encourage you to do the same.
This is my favorite one of these!
Me: what are we doing today
Trainer: let work on your forearms.
Me: but I only have 2
T: What?!?
Me: *whispers* I only have 2?
Me: This is great! I love hiking in the woods! You never know if it will be a Hallmark moment or a Blumhouse moment.
Friend: Why are you like this?
Me: It’s like a choose your own adventure.
Raisins are grape jerky.
If my husband doesn’t start helping with the housework soon, we’ll need a crime scene cleaning crew.
Some say their relationship is built on trust. Others, friendship. Mine is built on an ancient Indian burial ground.
please for the love of god wipe down your equipment after you use it!!! I hate when I finally get to the guillotine and it’s all bloody
Don’t think too hard about why Santa would name a reindeer “Vixen.”
Ask yourself, is she really crazy? Or is she just trying to get out of the next family event?
They should have a big dishwasher that you can drive your car into so you don’t have to wash it by hand. I’ll let someone else have this idea, goodnight twitter.
Before kids: Why would anyone need a 24 pack of paper towels?!
After kids: Oh.
me: are there really aliens at area 51
pentagon official: that’s confidential
me: then how’d i hear about it
Turns out I can hold my breath with a pillow over my face way longer than an old person. Innocent mistake..
Me: “You didn’t tell me that.”
Them: “Yes I did, four times while you were staring at your phone.”
Me (looks up): “I’m sorry, what?”
[if my brain were a computer]
uhg why’s the calculator app being so slow
*closes math tab to reveal 53 other tabs all playing cottoneye joe*
I wonder why my book “101 ways to scare the postman” hasn’t arrived yet?
me: babe watch me flip this omelette!
her: cool
me: now watch me kick flip this omelette!!
her: sick!!!
I hate these new video games that make you talk to other characters. The fact I hate conversations is the reason I’m playing video games.