My patience is like a gift card, not sure how much is left but lets give it a try
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ME: Good morning
TODDLER: I don’t want to be a mermaid. I want to be a shark with legs.
Boss: Don’t sit in that cubicle, it’s haunted by the ghost of Steve
New Hire: Prove it
Boss: DONUTS IN THE BREAKROOM
* the office chair spins around immediately *
me: it doesn’t have a tail so i’m pretty sure it’s a hamster
tech support: okay fine right-click the hamster
There’s no one lazier than the guy who named the orange.
I don’t know what Dorothy’s problem was, tornadoes are great means of transportation
My two favorite things about Easter morning are (1) hiding the eggs and (2) the looks on my kids’ faces when the snakes start to hatch.
About to shave my legs let me know if anyone is interested in buying extensions
Who decided to call it a muffin top and not a belly donut?
The inventor of Chapstick died today. Unfortunately his body was lost while being transferred to the morgue.
17: Want to see a movie?
Me: Sure.
17: Afternoon show only, so no one sees us together.
Me: Ok. *Posts pic on IG. Tags all her friends.
Have you ever considered, that if there is a God, same sex attraction was created to prevent the overpopulation of unloved children? I have.
What did one ocean say to the other?
Nothing, it just waved.
Sea what I did there?
I’m shore you did.
Laugh, you son of a beach!
[9pm arguing]
Him: you always need to have the last word!Me: I do not!
Him: prove it
Me: *crosses arms, glares silently*
[3am sleeping]
Me: *whispers* I win
ME (a ghost): You know how Bill Nye used to say “don’t try this at home”? Well, I did, and he kicked in the door and shot me in the face.
Genie: One wish left
Me: I wish I was cool
Genie: Your wish is granted
⛄️: Wait not like this
“Can I buy you a drink?”
“I’d rather just have the money”
Waiting for the local donut park to open 🙂
if eating salty stuff at night makes you puffy in the morning why doesn’t sugar make you fit and contoured
*2:47 am. i roll over, nudge my wife awake & whisper*
i’m thinking of asking my buddies if i can call them my apostles
So my dog’s pregnant & she’s never been in contact with another dog & I’m having a lot of accusations thrown my way.
My teeth are so crooked they should run for office.
They said no texting while driving but they never said anything about giving four ferrets a nice bubble bath
the craziest thing about plants is like you look up “why are leaves brown” and it’s like “maybe you’re watering them too much. but also maybe not enough. maybe they’re getting too much sunlight. but also maybe they’re not getting enough sunlight. hope this helps :)”
Friends, I say this to you with tongue firmly in cheek – don’t ever put super glue in your mouth.
My gynecologist follows me on Instagram, I really do not know what else he wants to see.
so, is there a mister shapen head
guy who came to check out what’s making noises in my attic told me it’s “one of the creepiest attics [he’s] ever seen.” not something you want to hear from a person whose job involves seeing a lot of attics
Ever notice how people who say “Better to ask for forgiveness than permission” never actually ask for forgiveness, either?
Me: I don’t believe the world is round…
Flat Earthers: *getting visibly excited*
Me: …because it’s actually an oblate spheroid
Flat Earthers: Is that…how flat is that
I’m not high maintenance at all. All I want from a partner is the understanding that I need to feel worshipped whilst also being mostly left alone.