Wanna know what it’s like being married? Chain yourself to a wild animal. Now kick the animal.
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Me: curling is just hockey with different sticks
Him: you just offended all of Canada
Always leave them wanting their money back.
When I die, please don’t blame the year. Blame the alligator responsible.
I have mixed feelings about birthdays, the aging sucks but I do quite enjoy using the day to manipulate people into giving me things.
Imagine if we discovered another ocean. I hope we name it Billy
Mayonnaise has been getting a lot of hate, but if you don’t shake up a squeeze bottle of mustard well enough, it will pee on your sandwich.
I didn’t take my husband’s name when I got married. I figured it’d be confusing if we were both called Keith.
*paw prints all your dogs to figure out which one ate my sandwich when I went to the bathroom*
*Pets a blob in the dark to see if its my cat*
*I’m still not sure*
* breathing heavy and trying to keep up with the girl on the treadmill next to me
“So…what are you doing…after they…revive me?”
The trick to successfully backing out of a parking space is to not care what happens to you or anyone else.
Alright. Let’s cut the shit. Who harbinged this doom?
I like to switch browsers as often as possible. They all prompt to make them the default browser. It feels nice to be fought over.
[in heaven after crucifixion]
jesus: “they were horrible dad, im pleased im not going back there”
god: [rubbing his neck] “see the thing is”
Some lady at Olive Garden died, so we’re rummaging through her stuff. Just like a real family.
Is it rude to throw breath mints in someones mouth while they’re talking?
Oh how all 5 feet 3 inches of me breathed a sigh of relief today at work when they announced that the tallest person in every group had to facilitate the breakout discussions.
technically you can breathe anything just not very long for some things
Why is burning a bridge viewed as a bad thing? I mean what if a clown is chasing you?
The hardest part of marriage is resisting temptation. Women just don’t understand how hard it is not to use a decorative towel.
Got into a big fight with my toddler over what powers trains. I said electricity but he insisted it’s carrots. Carrots running trains is literally the hill he’ll die on.
* charges phone.
Phone: wrong hole.
I’m a 4 in America, but in Germany I’m a solid nein.
I hope someday you’ll find it in your heart to murder me.
*Facebook down*
Grandpa: *in the back alley* Yes, can I please get a gram of conspiracy theories
My CW just barked.
Ok, it may have been a burp, but I’d like him a lot more if he were turning into a dog, so I think he barked.
Have kids close in age so they can be friends and so you don’t sleep for 7 years.
Real sentence from a press release in my inbox: “Donald Trump lives, works, eats and employs people of all races and religions.”
My wife would bring a hoodie to the Sun “just in case.”
You think you’re a good parent and then your child tells you they once tried to hide in the washer in a game of hide and seek