3yo: Why do we have a room just for the toilet and the bath?
Me: So people can have privacy when they’re going to the bathroom or taking a shower.
3yo: Why would someone want that?
I think I’m beginning to understand the root of much of our disconnect.
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Is it rude to interrupt someone’s wedding vows and ask if it’s time for cake?
dog 911: what’s your emergency
dog: there’s an intruder
dog 911: is he in your house?
dog: no, he’s across the street
dog 911: that’s not a problem
dog: what if he comes over here?
dog 911: OH GOD WHAT IF HE DOES
dog: SHOULD I BARK?
dog 911: FOR THE LOVE OF DOG YES
me irl
I like to start out my Wednesdays by dropping an entire cup of coffee down the stairs and crying about it for 6 minutes.
I’m sorry I pronounced your name wrong, because your mother ignored all laws of grammar in the English language
me: [flips over]
my bed: ah the cool side of the person
If I text you “🤔🥺😏🤦♂️😭😥🤨😔😘😔😏🤦♂️😏🤦♂️😉🤦♂️😘😊🏆🙄🤔🙄😏😔❤️💁🤨” it means my 4 year old stole my phone.
When you give someone a present, unless you say “open it”, they’re legally not allowed to look inside.
Grooming tip:
Cut your toenails every 2 to 24 weeks whether they need it or not.
I want to be a dog and have someone feed me treats for sitting down.
Date: I’m pretty easygoing, you?
Me: *regularly gets stressed out doing captcha tests bc I don’t know if bushes count as trees* Definitely.
This “violence in the workplace” seminar is only teaching us what we shouldn’t do. No fighting techniques or anything.
If I ever marry someone who shares my intense love of puns, she’ll be my pun-kin.
[being murdered]
omg yay i never get picked for anything
Swapping all the oxygen tanks with helium at the nursing home today.
Once they’re all floating I’ll walk in dressed like a ghost buster and save the day
Wife: Where did all this glitter come from?
Me: Jake, at State Farm.
Breaking news:
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a wood chipper, rented under a fake name.
my friend thought his gf was cheating on him but it turned out she was going to a psychic to help her win the powerball and we both agree that’s way worse
GIRL: Spirit, should I have sex with this guy?
ME: *tries to push the ouija pointer to yes but it won’t move* (under breath) grandma, PLEASE
Me: What did she send you on Snapchat?
My pre-teen: A picture of a wall.
Me: What did you send back?
My pre-teen: The ceiling.
*planning family vacation*
Me: So what about camping?
Them: We love camping!
Me: Great! I’ll drop you off on my way to the spa.
Took the road less travelled after buying the sat nav less expensive
My lunch consisted of taste-testing 30 opened bags of chips in the pantry for freshness.
Future historians will be asked which quarter of 2020 they specialize in.
Grant me the serenity to supernaturally change the things I cannot accept.
Some people will put ketchup on anything: one time I found a first edition of Wuthering Heights in my dad’s attic & I just couldn’t resist.
“This sunscreen smells like eggs.” -me, drunk at the lake and smearing myself with mayonnaise
ME: need help?
GIRL (having car trouble): could u give me a jump
ME: *inflating the bounce house I keep in my trunk* I thought u’d never ask