Things drunk me has in common with toddlers:
– no idea where my shoe is
– demands McDonalds
– won’t shut up about dinosaurs
– not allowed to have a whistle
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“911 what’s ur emergency”
I… stabbed someone
“What? Why?”
He walked up to me and was all like HAPPY MONDAY
“Is he dead?”
No
“Stab him again”
One of the most fastest seahorses was Landbiscuit
At a restaurant: “Would you like a table?” “No, not at all. I came here to eat on the floor. Carpet for 5 please.”
don’t ask me explain this but a golden retriever is like the 1990s in dog form
The best way to express your disagreement is by slapping people with a fish.
Nick’s coming over
Nick from work, or Nick who thinks he’s a scorpion?
*Nick bursts through the door* HERE I AM, ROCK YOU LIKE A HURRICANE
From the other room 4 just yelled, “Don’t worry, mom! I’m not doing anything,” and I think I have a pitch for the next blockbuster horror movie.
Wore my clip-on, flip-up sunglasses in my dating profile pic, because women don’t easily forget something like that.
I should have used more oils to get this off easier..
I’m trying to jerk it off but it won’t come.
Honey, dinner is stuck to the pan.
My mom has a podcast but you can only hear it if you have the password to my voicemail
Some think kids are selfish, but when 8 sees I’m carrying too much stuff at once, he comes over and gives me a lengthy explanation as to why Black Panther could beat Spider-Man.
If you don’t answer your kid’s tenth “MOM!”, I will…and what I say will keep them awake for 3 days. Better ask “what?”
My toddler punched me in the eye, then made me kiss his hand, ’cause his fist hurt. And he’ll hear about it every Mother’s Day until I die.
My daughter has started a fun new game where she tries to guess my age with random numbers like 72 or 94. So fun.
*watches a show about global warming*
Yeah whatever, doesn’t affect me.*watches a show about bear attacks*
Would I be able to take a bear?
i don’t own a scale i measure my weight with whether or not my towel closes all the way after a shower.
You couldn’t make Blazing saddles today. it took way more than a day to make that movie.. and it’s like 10:00 right now.
stop it stop it don’t cook him stop
The perfect introvert’s party cake doesn’t exis…
I just overheard a woman tell her son “We don’t lick other people, it’s gross” and now I’m reevaluating so many choices I’ve made.
If we ever got together just know that I would totally shower and brush my teeth every day, even on holidays and weekends
People are so fake how can you love your newborn baby when you met it like 2 minutes ago and don’t know anything about it
If any of my ex-girlfriends are reading this, I want you to know I’m eating chicken nuggets with THREE different dipping sauces, you blew it
me: I need to learn about clams
librarian: you can find them under C
me: I need to learn more than that
“I’ll be back!”
-boomerangs
-and herpes
the moon landing, except it’s the moon, landing on earth. everyone is just as excited. at first.
I hate it when after installing a new app, it automatically puts it on the home screen. Like no. You have to earn that place. Now sit back down.
Sorry I booped your nose when you said that you loved me.
Based on their level of excitement, bros in beer commercials seem unaware that you can pretty much buy beer anywhere.