Cop: Suspect located, we’re in hot pursuit
Me: *rolling down window* I THINK YOU’RE CUTE TOO!
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*fingerpaints your nude portrait using a can of Easy Cheese*
I thought my cat was just quiet. Found out he’s been seething with anger for 8 years. But in a really, really cute way.
Accordion to a recent survey, inserting musical instruments into sentences largely goes unnoticed.
DATE: you smell so nice – what are you wearing?
ME: Febreeze
me: hey siri
siri: (long, deep sigh) what
A girl with kaleidoscope eyes sounds horrifying.
ME: We’re adopting a baby!
FRIEND: Congrats! Will you need my old baby gate?
ME: [considers summoning a baby] Nah, we’ll get one from this dimension
I just had a moment of clarity. Glad that’s over with.
Why does Mommy always say no?
Well Son, if Mommy said yes all the time you’d have 20 more siblings.
If you put a hot dog in a blender and serve it with whipped cream people don’t ask to come over anymore
My sister’s fiance is visiting from England on Friday, i thought I’d surprise him so I’ve been driving on the wrong side of the road
if they ever legalise drugs, Nestle definitely need to make a KitKet
[gently waking my mom] I cut my hair like He-Man’s
A lady in a BMW pulled up to me on my bike to ask if it was hot out, and now my goal is to be so rich I can’t feel weather.
Lance isn’t really that a common name anymore. In the old days, people were called Lance a lot.
And that’s why you clean your room, kids.
Back in 2012 my wife & I were the victims of a horrific & terrifying home invasion that left us mentally scarred & unable to sleep. But our daughter’s 5 now & we’ve actually grown quite fond of her.
My 4 year-old now hides from me in the bathroom so l can’t stop him from chewing his nails.
This really upsets me because that was my hiding spot.
Him: “Can we have a Doritos themed wedding?” Me: “no.” Him: “well, what kind of chips would you prefer?”
I had to start baking my own cakes and cookies because I’m no longer allowed in the bakery, in my defense I thought those were all samples.
When I get depressed about an underperforming tweet, I think about starving kids in Africa & how lucky they are to never experience my pain.
Toss the darts, treat the wounded, tally the points. Repeat until only one child remains.
Now that people ignore word meanings and say they haven’t done/seen/whatever something “in a minute” when they actually mean anything from a week to thirty years, I’m going to take that concept in the other direction and describe small time periods as “several millenia.”
I’m glad we evolved from apes. If we evolved from chameleons, we’d constantly be walking into each other.
The last 60+ Miss Universe pageant winners have been from earth I don’t know man, seems fixed.
Scientists hard at work to find out what the other 98% of 2% milk is: “Probably not bees,” says one scientist. “Dear god what if it’s bees?”
CORONAVIRUS: I can’t believe these humans aren’t taking me seriously just because they’re not in imminent personal danger right this second
CLIMATE CHANGE, SMOKING AN ABSOLUTELY ENORMOUS BLUNT:
date: i like a guy who’s strong-
me: i can bench 130 lbs
date: enough to tell the truth
me: on the moon
My son told me I’m not fat I’m just almost fat and that honestly made me feel really good
I am a(n):
⚪️ man
⚪️ woman
🔘 unknowable entity in the deep wood
seeking:⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 a morally grey companion to defend me from the wizard who has been hunting me for centuries