me: i’m a writer
them: oh! what do you write?
me: mostly emails
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An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard and a German are sitting in a doctor’s waiting room, when a man in an obviously worried state enters and cries out, “I fear I’ve become invisible… Can you see me?”
And they respond; “Yes.” “Oui.” “Sí.” “Ja.”
Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
(Going through Emergency Go Bag)
Hubs: We have no matches or flint
Me: We don’t need any
Him: How would we start a fire if we needed one?
Me: (slaps my thighs) just let me run for a few minutes and the friction between these two bad boys will start a forest fire
cop pulling me over: whoa whoa, where are you off to in such a hurry
me: some of your colleagues are chasing me
Guys don’t want sex, guys want to watch a thousand movies starring Jason Statham as a former elite special forces assassin who’s trying to leave his past behind but is called back for one last job
WANTED: OOMPA LOOMPAS
Main duties:
– Machine Maintenance
– Chocolate Production
– Quality Control
– Singing when kids die
So wild that you can walk into any Walmart, open a Ouija Board in the game aisle, summon a Demon and then just leave.
Hear me out, what if Santa actually exist but we’re just all on the naughty list?
ME: I did it! I finished that project!
IMMUNE SYSTEM: good job!
ME: time for a nice break
IMMUNE SYSTEM: me too
ME: haha yeah
ME: wait
I don’t want to give away my exact locale but I’ll just say I can see the moon from my kitchen. Please don’t abuse this info.
After Michael Jordan joined a religious order, he was known as Air Friar.
My mom: why are you being so defensive
Also my mom: here is a 12-point presentation on how you can do everything better
occult darling Dracula needs to get a grip. having his own dirt shipped in to sleep on, what a piece of shit. me, i’ll sleep on any dirt
I need to pick up a random hunky guy in a bar, bring him home, have him invite a friend, and THEN mention that I need furniture rearranged
On June 28, 2009 Stephen Hawking threw a party for time-travelers. He announced the party the day after it happened and he said no one came.
her: when I die can you bury me in my favorite dress
grave digger: I usually just wear my overalls
Me: I’m completely lost. What’s going on in this movie?
Him: Lin, I just hit play 90 seconds ago.
Me: Wow! New record.
I have no fear of my family pulling the plug on me if I ever go on life support because I know how much they love wasting electricity
I put my fake Christmas tree up in record time
then compulsively fluff it for a month.
When we do get this coronavirus vaccine, it better not just be cake.
Giving someone the finger while driving used to mean a lot more when you had to manually roll your window down to do it
I told my 2-year-old to find her shoes
She cupped her hands & yelled “Shoes, where are you?”
I’d help her, but I want to see if this works
I always sharpen my guest bed of nails before my mother-in-law comes to visit.
I hate it when restraining orders get in the way of meaningful relationships.
Well played future wife. You win this round
Donald Duck can walk around Disney pantless and everyone loves him, but when I do it, it’s “indecent”?
Him: How would you describe yourself?
Me: Face of an angel, body of a marshmallow and the mouth of a sailor.
When people ask me why I’m “confined” to a wheelchair, it makes it sound like a prison sentence. I want to say something like, “I ate too many free samples at Costco. I’ll be out in seven months.”
PRINCIPAL: Your father needs to speak to you urgently
SON: Oh my god what’s wrong
ME: I think your mother gave you my oreo thins by mistake
me: goodnight moon 🙂
moon: night<3
me: goodnight stars 🙂
moon: wtf
me: sry wrongnumber
moon: whos stars
moon: who is stars
moon: answer me
Amazon packaging #BlowsMyMind