*Someone messages me*
I hope your well
And I’m like, you hope my well what?
You hope my well is fine?
You hope my well is providing me with clean water?HOW DO YOU KNOW I HAVE A WELL, WHAT DO YOU HOPE FOR IT & WHY CAN’T YOU FINISH YOUR SENTENCE?
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Our tree caught on fire we threw it outside and the dog dragged it back into the House
*whispers to an avocado*
“I’m the good kind of fat, too.”
Cat saves kid? Please. My cat would’ve pushed me into traffic, stolen my identity, & would be living it up in Mexico by now.
“I’m scared of thunder and vacuums but this beehive full of killer bees looks delicious.”
– Dogs
Y’know who else threw the bubble-wrap away without popping all the bubbles?
Hitler
FRIEND: Thanks for letting me stay here while I’m in town
ME: No problem
FRIEND: Do u have a Waffle House nearby?
ME: No they’re all wood
[texting]
Me: meet me at 8 sharpKid: what if I feel salient instead?
Me: just be on time
Kid: or acuminate, maybe cuspidated
Me: are you playing with the thesaurus on your phone again?
Kid: indubitably
Him: don’t say anything embarrassing
Me [realizing there are no mozzarella sticks at this party]: I will punch a pregnant woman in the baby
My kids teach me something every day. Today my 1-year-old taught me how much plumbers cost per hour. Who flushes a potato?
Titanic (1997)
A woman cheats on her rich fiancé with a homeless guy & then throws a giant diamond into the ocean like a big stupid dummy.
“Babe I’m ready for bed”
“Why so early its the weekend?”
[background]
“Next up Channel 6 News reveals Ashley Madison’s local business men”
Nothing’s labeled clearly, I was promised tea & never got any, the criminal justice system is barbaric.
~ Alice’s Yelp review of Wonderland
“Don’t worry, the spider is smaller than you”
Yeah….so is a grenade
I only ate one meal yesterday. It just lasted for six hours.
Doctor: Open your mouth (inserts tongue depressor)
Me: Mmm, this tastes good.
Dr: You should have tasted it when the Popcicle was on it!
i sadistically pat the top of my sandwiches before eating them like good job now you die.
roommate: do u have any shaving cream
me: no it tastes gross
roommate: you eat shaving crea-
me -no why would i eat it if it tastes gross
*SEES SPIDER DRESSED AS A CLOWN IN THE SHOWER*
**LEAVES THE UNIVERSE**
my date is in 2 hours, which means I have very little time to fix my glasses and fix my bangs and get a career and lose 50 pounds
Sirs & Ma’ams, It is a well-known fact that when Jesus takes the wheel, He doesn’t just stop with the wheel. He takes the stereo too.
Me: *hands her a pitri dish I’ve cultivated over several months*
Her: what’s this?
Me: You said you wanted multiple organisms
coworker: anyone else smell lasagna?
me excited about my new vape juice: guess what
Man who looks forward to spending his entire life with Kim Kardashian disagrees with Grammy decision.
She said she wanted to try spouse swapping. Next thing I know she’s trading me for a toaster.
who called it a palindrome and not a palindnilap
That split second of panic when you realize you said yes to your toddler but you were distracted and you don’t actually know what you said yes to
Mom used to say the only accessory a fashionable girl needs is a virtuous reputation. But it’s bracelets.
People should come with disclaimers like:
May cause drowsiness or
Will end up sleeping w/your bf or
May induce homicidal ideations
Only recently discovering that math is a branch of science probably explains my math marks in high school.
It’s not you.
Just the things you say, think, and do.