Don’t tell me you got problems. This is a serious problem 😠
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me: you can get hurt when you don’t listen. daddy and I watched a show last night about a kid who lost his eye because he was being bad
6: what happened?!
me: well, he stole a dragon but that’s not the point
I just vacuumed my dog to cut down on indoor shedding, if you’re looking for a life coach or whatever.
Glass caskets: will they become popular?
Remains to be seen.
Hell hath no fury like a woman proving herself by parallel parking
My wife has literally everything in her purse. Today I needed tissues, a hammer, peanut butter and dice and she had 2 of each.
Just tried to move my cursor and took me a beat to realize my mouse was upside down and doing the exact opposite of what my brain was telling it to do. Drunkest three seconds of my life.
my 4yo threw a tantrum because I wouldn’t lock him in a storage bin & reader, I hesitated
If a giant talking rabbit were trying to steal my cereal, I’d probably be too busy screaming and stabbing to call him “silly.”
Little Kid: wanna hear a joke?
Me: life is meaningless without death
Little Kid: why did the chicken cro- wait what?
Family means eating together at a buffet and everyone calling dibs on the toilet during the ride home.
I don’t wish mean people any harm but maybe they would be happier if they moved to that nice farm my parents took my dog to when I was 5.
[during mosh]
me: excuse me, sorry, excuse me, im sorry, my fault, sorry
Panda express…🐶🐾🐼💨😅
Sure, I could live a pious life so St. Peter lets me through the Pearly Gates. Or I could just crawl under the gate since IT SITS ON A CLOUD
Everyone asks me when I’m gonna start a family but no one asks me when I’m gonna stop a family
Just once I’d like someone to call me “ma’am” without having to add “you need to calm down or we’re going to have to ask you to leave”
Told my 9 year old school is cancelled for at least 4 weeks due to coronavirus and he asked why scientists don’t just develop “nanorobots to go in our blood and eat the virus.” So if you lazy scientists could hurry it up he’d appreciate it thnx
Me: my dog Ruffles can talk – what’s the outside of a tree?
Ruffles: bark!
Me: a word to describe shouting an order?
Ruffles: bark!
Friend: he’s just woofing
Ruffles: I said bark not woof, you idiot
just overheard a guy walk into the bathroom and say “showtime” to himself as he sat down on the toilet
I don’t care how bad it looks in the casket I want to pay the boatman with fettuccine alfredo
me: do you guys massage calves
masseuse: of course
me: perfect [holds door open for a bunch of baby cows]
Who the hell does that in a sock?!?
*squishes out of the room*
We say that elephants never forget, but it’s not as if they have much to remember. They don’t have PIN numbers or passwords. They never have to put the bins out. They can even guess what kind of elephant they are and have a 50/50 chance of getting it right.
“It’s our third date and you still wear that shirt?”
Honey, this all they have in prison.
Please don’t come to my garage sale if you’ve ever let me borrow something.
I could be wrong, but an escape goat strikes me as an awfully inefficient getaway plan.
I never feel quite so uncertain as when I’m walking the dog and a neighbor driving by waves to me but my free hand has a bag of poop in it.
YES I HAVE HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE!!!! WHY DO YOU ASK?
It’s like grandpa always used to say, “even though granny washed them, I could always tell which underwear I wore on Taco Tuesday.”
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Here-1 sided text conversation between me and my 18yo daughter because all I do is pick her up from places.