My professor handed back our 3 page film essays to my surprise I got a C after class I asked her why “you were supposed to write it about the movie The Emperor of Time.. you wrote it on The Emperor’s new Groove but it was kinda good so I didn’t fail you” so thats how im doing
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forget tagging friends, i want to be able to tag my enemies
One day you’re young and the next you’re standing at the kitchen window staring menacingly at your neighbors.
All I’m sayin is that you’re not gonna want my kid doing your taxes after being homeschooled by me.
I wish I had the confidence of someone who would let themselves be tattooed in a place they can’t see.
So many accidents occur in the home. I once turned a dimmer switch too fast and got beamed into another dimension
It was that very moment when we realized our shared love for multipurpose utensils brought us together & that’s when the sporks flew.
[Boss’ office]
“You’re late AGAIN.”
Drove back for my phone.
“Why do need it at work?”
It’s all I do.
“WHAT?”
I said, IT’S NICE TO SEE YOU.
I’m hiring a motivational speaker for my lazy eye.
Girl likes ‘boys with accents <333’ on Facebook. I charge at her. “HELLOUGH!! I AM HELMUT, FROM RUSSIA. I WORK AS STRANGLER AT MEAT FACTORY”
cop: if i were you i wouldn’t leave town
me: but if you were, what bus would you take
It’s like joking about bombs in the TSA security line. Is it protected speech? Yes. Is it a crime? No. Are you going to have a bad day? Yes.
2024 is gonna be better i can feel it in my bones nope that’s the osteoporosis nvm 😭
Bear of bad news: Hey, sport. You might wanna be sitting down. Ready? Oh god how do I put this? I’m gonna have to maul the shit out of you.
me: “what is a librarian’s favourite food?”
dog:
me: “SHUSHI lmao”
dog: [starts putting his toys in suitcase]
To find me during an apocalypse just look for the girl trying to finish her noodles while running
I start conversations with my children by saying “Listen to me,” to ensure they stop paying attention from the beginning.
I actually enjoy homeschooling my kids. What’s my secret? I’m doing a terrible job.
Wow my pants are really loose today
*skips to the nearest vending machine*
[in the bedroom]
Husband: Close your eyes. I’m going to do something you’re really going to enjoy.
Me: Okay.
H: *takes the kids and leaves for the day*
COP: We have reports of u blasting music.
ME: Sorry I’ll keep the Metallica down
COP: We were told it was Britney Spears “Lucky.” On repeat.
I was in the grocery store when Vogue came on, and while nobody could keep up with my choreography, security did let me finish the routine.
I dress like a murderer when I walk through the sketchy park outside my dorm so murderers will be like “Oh she’s cool she’s one of us.”
tourist season
I want to know where my horoscope got the outlandish confidence to say “Don’t worry about any dreams you have today, dreams don’t mean anything”
employer: what skills do you possess that would make you suitible for this position?
me: I possess the skill that will make all your other employees look perfect by comparison
Keys just don’t make me laugh as much as they did when I was a baby.
Once I was driving with my first wife and we got into a screaming match while she was also eating an ice cream cone. I reached my breaking point and slammed on the brakes which made her face go all in the ice cream. This will forever be the funniest thing I’ve ever done
There is no situation where banana bread isn’t an appropriate gift. You got a promotion? Banana bread. Your dad is dead? Banana bread. You had a bad breakup? Banana bread. Aliens steal your body for experiments? BANANA BREAD.
ME: So. You from around here?
HER: Yes. You’re in my bedroom closet.
If she can do anything why is there no Money Laundering Barbie?