[watching him pack his bag to leave]
Me: So this is it, we’re done and you’re leaving me?
Plumber: Uh yes the toilet is unclogged now.
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Not helping
Apparently it was wrong of me to tell the aunt who said that I’ve gotten ‘big’ since 2019 that she’s also gotten ‘bigger’ since I saw her in 2019.
I can fix him.
A boomerang is just a frisbee for loners.
*travels back in time to kill Hitler as a baby* *becomes known as time-traveling baby murderer & history’s greatest monster*
Taylor Swift is a psyop designed to get my wife to hum little tunes here and there
Everyone’s all worried about World War III. Worry about the important shit. Batman’s fighting Superman in 2016.
I think the hot dog eating competition should award me extra points for not blinking during the event.
No thanks, fantasy football. I already have a fantasy boyfriend, a fantasy sex life & a fantasy bank account.
I’m good.
“Can I speak to your manager please?”
“I AM the manager”
The first 36 years of my childhood have been the hardest.
Him: How many glasses of wine have you had today?
Me: One, but it was in the shape of a giant bottle.
I don’t get the concept of Beach House Hunters. You don’t have to hunt a house. Especially on the beach. It has nowhere to hide
-Brain: Too expensive, you’ll never wear it. Don’t buy this dress.
-Heart: But what are you going to wear if someone takes you to a ball in their castle in France?
ME: I cant make it in today
BOSS: again? why
M: my car died
B: that’s the same excuse you used yesterday
M: yeah but today’s the funeral
[couple who talks via walkie talkie]
GIRL: [into walkie] this relationship is over, over
GUY: *cries into walkie* it’s roger isn’t it?? over
Therapist: You have passive aggressive issues.
Me (under my breath): says the woman who only listens to my troubles because I pay her.
but what does Jesus do when he wants to swim
“This just in..”
My foot to my mouth.
People with little chains that go from a nose piercing to an earring probably just got sick of losing their ears.
[After my wife ate my bag of M&Ms I was saving for later]
Wife: You’re being so over-dramaticMe *texting her back from motel room* am I
A lot of people say “we need to” when they mean “you need to”. We need to stop that.
If you drink 8 glasses of water a day and exercise for 30 minutes a day there’s pretty much no time for anything else in the day.
[at the mechanic]
me: my car makes a funny noise. listen..
mechanic: that’s the horn
I pry open the crab shell but instead of sweet crabmeat I find a tiny, bustling city filled with people who have my face. It tastes terrible
U-HAUL, may I help you?
“You have any moving boxes?”
No all our boxes stay still
“Well you better go- wait what?”
Stop calling here, Dad
Me: God grant me the serenity.
God: What was that? I couldn’t hear you over your screaming kids.
Got banned from helping my granddaughter write sentences with spelling words. Apparently third graders can’t write about tequila.
Agent school must be stressful when you have to decide whether to go the “insurance” or “secret” route.
“I need help at the copier”
“Is your document all ready to go?”
“Yes.”
I then wait by the copier as she spends several minutes sequencing a couple dozen pages and filling out a form. To be fair, by “ready” maybe she meant the cellulose pulp had already been converted into paper.