The beastie boys didn’t prepare me for all of the rights we actually have to fight for.
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My jeans aren’t too small, they’re my compression pants.
“Sleep” and I broke up a few nights ago. I’m dating “Coffee” now. She’s Hot!
The most unrealistic thing about Warrior Cats isn’t the talking cats it’s their names. I’ve been around feral cats; they wouldn’t call themselves Stormheart or whatev. More like: “I am called Lord Orange. Here are my finest warriors: Orange, Orange & Also Orange.”
[job int]
“& what are your strengths.”
Me: lions
“Lions?”
Me: I’ll take [lion walks by the office] I- [quietly] I’ll take on any lion
Qualifications for a job with the Kenyan government.
1. You must be old. Really old…like above 75 years old.
2.The older you’re, the higher your chances.
3. Death is an added advantage.
I was planning to take a flu shot until I found out it isn’t a kind of drink.
I ran out of coffee this morning, beer seemed like an acceptable replacement. Everyone is so pretty today.
[Describing the adjective thief to a sketch artist]
Sketch Artist: Can you describe what he looked like?
Me: Not anymore I can’t
What’s your guide about?
Type “Explorer’s Guide to ______” and let your phone fill in the rest!
Mine is: Explorer’s Guide to you have got to be kidding me.
Well that’s the most on brand one I’ve ever done! Good job phone! 😆
#wildemount #critters #dnd
It doesn’t take long after becoming a parent to figure out why the people that wrote nursery rhymes sounded like they were drunk.
[two coworkers walk into my office]
Coworkers: Hey! It’s your two favorite people here to ask you a question!
Me: Where?
When you’re angry with someone, It helps to sit down and think about the problem .. 🤔
Be nice to your old friends. They have pictures of your hair from 1988.
Priest: tell me your confessions
Me: I said the f word twice this week
Priest: [70% sure I stole his meatball sub from the church fridge] anything else
Me: Alright girls today we are going to watch a little video about bullying and self defense.
8yo daughter: Ugh, are we watching The Karate Kid again!?
Me: Why, yes we are!
*smoke detector chirps*
me*takes battery out*
*chirp*
me*cuts wires*
*chirp*
me*smashes it with a hammer*
*chirp*
wife:We have more than one
My 5 year old was pretending to leave for work, rode his bike to the end of the driveway and back and said he made $100 so my question is what is this job and where can I find one
casual sex implies the existence of ranked competitive sex
I want to be rich enough to leave the house-sitter notes like: “If the cheetah looks bored, jog him on the treadmill. He can watch Friends.”
[ brings ouija board to your grave ]
“Okay, now will you tell me why her number was in your phone?”
i’m the instant oatmeal packets in your pantry that you never want, but are glad you have.
7 barges into bathroom while I’m showering, laughs & says “I saw your peanut.”
He either mispronounced a word or made a hurtful observation.
me: *sees a dead bird* this is a bad omen
wife: you’re ruining thanksgiving
It’s so cute how my kids think I’m going to go look for them after I finish counting to ten.
If God is a woman then how do you explain:
1) Spiders
2) Shoes you can’t afford
3) Periods
4) Men
How the hell did Charles Manson get like 16 people to murder for him? I can’t even get two kids to brush their teeth.
I took away my 5 year-old’s iPad as he was somewhat uncouth during dinner last night, and now he is walking around the house yelling “Siri, tell me where you are!”
If a bullet train doesn’t come out of a train gun I don’t want it
If you ever go backpacking in the wilderness, be sure to wear corduroy pants, so you can start a fire if needed.
i balance snacking with exercise by placing a bowl of chips on the roomba and following it around the house