Mother in law just said global warming with air quotes. It’s going to be a long night.
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If you want to hide something from me, put it in the fridge. there are several things there celebrating birthday
Ladies,
Please stop answering our questions with “yes, of course”. All you’re doing is forcing us to nod our heads like we knew that.
Men
Who’d win if Batman fought Santa? Before u say Batman, just remember who’s watching you answer.
With all the ghosting these days you’d think there’d be more documented ectoplasmic incidents.
[last supper]
judas: this could’ve been an email
I feel a special bond w/ ppl that always pop up in my ‘May Know’ Facebook window. Like u see me,I see u &we’ve both agreed not to be friends
Me: *Wishes upon a star* Please, I just want the world to be a better place.
Asteroid: ON MY WAAAY!!!
Everything I know about love I learned from the venus fly trap.
If u ask me to baby sit 3 and at d end of d day can find only 1, dat is not a reflection on me as a babysitter.i was nevr gud at maths
the concept of a courtroom sketch artist is so funny to me. here’s our little murder doodler
everyone: IT WAS COLD OUT THIS MORNING BUT NOW ITS WARM! WHATEVER SHALL WE DO?
me: finally *slowly unzipping my khakis at the knee so they become shorts* now is my time to shine
“Look at me at me when I’m talking to you, lady. Oh, no, no, not you, lady. I call my daughter lady. I’m so sorry.”
* me, in public on more than one occasion.
I love when a sandwich is cut in half. You finish the first half and you’re sad because you’re out of sandwich. Then you look down and there is more.
Wrestling is the only sport that gets more embarrassing when you become a professional.
I bet da Vinci told Mona Lisa to smile more and that’s why he’s dead now.
Date: I usually go for the most annoying people possible
Me: actually I just listened to a podcast about that..
Date: *starts playing with hair* oh really
you: ant-man
me, an intellectual: uncle
TV chef warns against “over vegetablizing” a sandwich. I lean in closely, hoping he’s also against “under buttering” everything else.
Thanks to smartphones, the toilet has been transformed from a place of quiet reflection to my remote business command center. I’m not avoiding work. I’m literally getting shit done.
When you haven’t shaved in a while and your leg hairs sway better in the breeze than your neighbour’s stupid windchime
ah shit, i accidentally left my gender reveal pressure cooker on a crowded train
Watermelons are just overweight diabetic cucumbers
Show him you care by leaving the message “I see you” on his bathroom mirror.
(True)
Feeling a little guilty about looking for a new laptop on my laptop.
Them: you’re 30 and still living with your parents!?!
Me, visibly perplexed: WHO’S PARENTS AM I SUPPOSED TO LIVE WITH THEN!!?!
I’m going on an all breadcrumb diet because I’ve never seen a duck with a double chin.
No one:
Cats: When they say “get off” ignore them, we’re cats.
So I was coloring my few, grey hairs with a sharpie and Hubby walked in.
He told me, I’m the reason for warning labels on small appliances.
Someone just posted that they baked some synonym rolls. So I said, “Just like grammar used to make?”
Now I’m blocked 😅🤣😂