I have a firm understanding of basic math.
Example: I have two cupcakes and I’m going to eat them both.
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A good hack to make my house look clean and tidy in the evening is to turn all the lights off.
This is so embarrassing, what’s your name again?
– me, the first 30 times I meet everyone
My mom bought me a bottle of whiskey as a Xmas gift…
She seemed a little upset that I said she should’ve mailed it ahead of her visit.
What Kermit (the frog) is called in different countries:
10. Kermit (Denmark)
9. Kermit (France)
8. Kermit (Japan)
7. Kermit (Slovakia)
6. Kermit (Italy)
5. Kermit (Canada)
4. Kermit (Iceland)
3. Kermit (the Netherlands)
2. Kermit (Poland)
1. Gustavo (Spain)
Disguising marmite as honey seems like a good way to get dumped on Valentine’s day
I could pick up a Prius if there was a pizza trapped under it
The Purge: Valentine’s Day
4: What does antique mean?
Me: It means old-
4: Oh…like you?
My doctor told me humans need to have an average of 8 cups of water a day.
Which means if just 4 of you have 10 a day I don’t need to have any.
Has anyone done the math on “a problem shared is a problem halved.”
If they worked, nobody would own more than one self-help book.
Fun Fact: If you wear scrubs, people will tell you all kinds of unsolicited and disgusting problems.
11:30pm is the time each night when I ask myself the ancient question of the universe: what if I just ate everything
My phone corrects “haha” to “hahaha”, so all my friends think they’re 50% funnier than they actually are.
Purgatory but it’s just my daughter trying to count to 10 but stopping at 7 and starting over
Gay marriage is about to become legal in England. Hey, America, how does it feel when your parents are cooler than you?
The seven year old I work for just informed me my haircut makes my hips look wider, so I have that going for me.
My wife and I take turns going to our 11-year-old’s swim meets.
Two weeks in a row, when it was my turn, the meet got canceled.
Now our daughter always wants it to be my turn.
Looks like we all just want to stay home.
Me: [pitching an idea for a comic book] Imagine a superhero whose parents are–get this–alive and well.
Exec: *under breath* whoa
3yo: Dad, have you ever seen a dinosaur?
ME: No. No one has. They lived during a different time.
3yo: How sad–
ME: Well it’s a liitle sad, but that’s the circle of life; & if dinosaurs had not perished, we probably wouldn’t–
3yo: How sad no one knows what dinosaurs taste like.
ADULT: I’ll have a $2 juice.
BARTENDER: For $13 more we’ll add 1.5 ounces of something that makes it taste bad.
A: Oo, yes I’ll take that.
I’m 35 so when I get drunk I just water my plants a little more recklessly than usual.
“It’s not about the money.”
-people with money
A cool thing about having kids is you get to carry on a conversation with someone who’s doing a headstand in an armchair.
The state of my house can best be described as ‘there seems to have been a struggle
[talking to a frat bro]
Me: Dude you have such a strong axe scent.
Double standard – bear breaks into girl’s house, bear gets shot. Girl breaks into bear’s house, we write a children’s story about it.
When I say the word ‘laboratory’ I quietly say it like a mad scientist in my head: la-bore-ra-tori
If you’re happy and you know it, clap your hands. There’s nothing more endearing than happy people applauding themselves.