No one:
Cats: When they say “get off” ignore them, we’re cats.
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Psychologist: I’m going to lift this shade and you’ll see you are NOT a vampire.
Man: No!
*lifts shade and the sunlight ignites the man into a screaming inferno*
Nurse: *screams*
P: He convinced his body to do that.
N:
P: I’ve seen it before, Brenda. He’s the 9th this week.
My 10-year-old is cleaning the kitchen. One roll of paper towels later I have the world’s cleanest kitchen stool.
[Earth, looking at her face in mirror after a date]
Oh, no! How long has that volcano been there?
Human Resources just came up with a cool new term for just about everything I like to do at work. They call it “inappropriate”
Look, I don’t have kids, and I’m not a lawyer, but if YOU have kids and could start up a Baby Fight Club and video the results, I really think it would help bring this country together.
day 1 of quarantine: Today I will write the great American novel
day 32 of quarantine: Today I will marry my parakeet to my other parakeet
Me: I spy with my little eye something beginning with i
Other Titanic lookout: hmmm
after you pay a bill, the website is like “would you like to make another payment?” and it’s like? um no dude. no, i don’t want to do that. like sorry do you think we’re buddies? “hang out awhile, maybe pay another bill” no dude. we do NOT have that kinda relationship man sorry
be careful when u talk baby talk to a baby becuase if u dont understand what ur saying u may acidentaly be declaring war in baby langauge
Well, Lassie, maybe it’s time for Timmy to learn a hard lesson about watching where he’s going.
Astronomer: hey look, a meteor shower!
Meteor: *scrubbing pits* a little privacy, perv.
When people say: “he’s a nice person once u get to know him”, they really mean: “he’s a dickhead, but you’ll get used to it!”
“delete your account” and what, leave my children NOTHING
“Shrooms before brooms,” I say to the coven of stereotypical witches who have quite magically appeared in my living room.
She- get lost
Me- *jumps in her wardrobe*
my friend asked me why i went to mcdonalds instead of coming to church with him and got pissed when i told him it’s because chicken nuggets objectively exist
A wise man once told me, “Are you even listening?”
I often wish for the easy clarity that stupidity provides.
who called it an octopus not an armarmarmarmarmarmarmarmadillo
If Justin Beiber and Rebecca Black were both drowning and you could only save one, would you grab a bite to eat or finish mowing the lawn?
[My Dad returning 15 years after he left to buy cigarettes] I’ve got toilet paper.
I find it odd that when someone dies we refer to them as late, my late Aunt Polly. Aunt Polly isn’t late, she’s not coming.
Today we break bread and give thanks. Tomorrow I will throat-punch you at Wal Mart.
🚫No Riding A Motorcycle While Being Haunted By The Memory Of A Deceased Pet
[Leaving for work]
*can’t find computer bag*
*looks for computer bag*
*finds computer bag*
*sets down computer bag*
*uses restroom*
*can’t find computer bag*
Of course bears shit in the woods, they do most of their stuff in the woods, very few bears own a house.
No one has more ailments than a child who was put to bed.
If “she’ll be riding six white horses when she comes”, she’s probably a little more woman than I can handle.
I’m young, but not “know exactly why I came into this room” young.
I’m just saying honey, if I sound like a cat throwing up hair balls the next day…it may be time to trim things up a bit.