Eric Trump said the Syria strike was swayed by a “heartbroken” Ivanka. He also pouted that dad has never bombed a country for him.
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I have been using teeth whitener, and now they are completely oblivious to the experiences and sufferings of other peoples.
Child: I need to be dismissed from school, my stomach hurts.
Also child, after being dismissed: [orders himself DoorDash from McDonald’s at 8 PM]
Cop: we have you surrounded! Get down on the ground now!
Cardboard Man: sigh not again
*cops start breakdancing*
Me: You’re adopted
Ted: What? How long have I been a dop
Quit making fun of my barbed wire tattoo literally no one has even tried climbing over my arm since I got it.
A welcome mat is a gateway rug.
It’s not a hangover. It’s wine flu.
me: can you calm down
The Leg Bounce™: I literally cannot
I finally got 10 hours of sleep. I mean it took 4 days to get there, but still.
I don’t know what the 5 love languages are but one of them better have peanut butter inside
Inventor of numbers: No, see they never end. You can always add 1 to the previous number
People: What the
Inventor of the alphabet: I told you guys you should’ve let me handle it.
A brainwash actually sounds pretty nice right now.
Remember when we used to eat cake after someone blew all over it?
Good times.
9: (watching YouTuber play old school Mario)
Me: That’s the game I used to play when I was a kid.
9: You were alive back then?
The word October loosely translates to ’eight bers’
KING1: I bring you gold.
K2: I bring you frankincense.
K3: *drops pot of myrrh* *pot shatters* Oh. I bring you…erm…interpretive dance!
My child who doesn’t like pickles: *sees me eating a pickle* can I have a pickle?
Interviewer: Do you have any questions?
Me: Did I mention I’m a vegan?
Interviewer: Your resume is printed on quinoa
Me: I’m a vegan
Me *putting honey on toast*
Son: do you know bees make that?
Me: uh yeah I’m not an idiot
[Later]
Date: tell me something interestingMe: bees make toast
haha of course i know how to pronounce marchioness of cholmondeley but you go first
NEWS ANCHOR: Here’s Gary with day 1 of his outdoor summer weather report.
GARY: [frying an egg on the sidewalk]
I quit. Back to you, John.
I have interests besides avoiding housework. In fact, I have a long list of things I’m interested in avoiding.
“Where have you been all my life?”
In a secure psychiatric unit. Next question.
“Better to be pissed off than pissed on!”
Actually, I prefer a third scenario where I’m not angry or covered in piss.
I may be fat now, but you’re stupid forever.
how to market bottled water to dads
One time, when the kids were teenagers,
we tried to ditch them on a family holiday.It didn’t work, unfortunately.
They found us.
I don’t realize how easily manipulated I am until I watch a nature documentary.
I’m rooting for whichever animal is in the title.
Sorry gazelles I know I just cheered for your survival 10 minutes ago but this is a new episode and David Attenborough tells me we like lions now.
I had sex with a girl who had the big holes in her ear lobes once
It was just once, because using them as reins isn’t cool, apparently
Wait. Those Nigerian girls are still missing??
What about that really cool hashtag we made?
They didn’t free them when they saw it??