“An eye for an eye?”
– a cannibal at a swap meet
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Do not worry.
I will take your secrets to my grave.
But, oh, how crowded it will be in the coffin.
[Elephant at a party] Nice piano!
[me] thanks
[Elephant] What are the keys made of?
[Me] Uhh..
[Rhino appears behind me] Tell him Kyle
[Google Search History]
1. Do raccoons like to cuddle?
2. What does rabies smell like?
3. I can’t feel my face.
Stop screaming. Lots of people rub their eyes with toes.
Never apologize in your voicemail for not answering the phone. You’re not sorry. Own that shit. “Hey, I don’t like you. Leave a message.”
“So you met the victim on tinder”
Yes
“Do you often meet women on tinder”?
Yeah I’ve been murdering it on there
*lawyer puts head in hands*
Revenge idea if a girlfriend dumps you: sneak into her house, tighten the lids on all her jars.
Dash light: “0 miles to empty.”
Me: “Bet.”
The Masters would be a lot more interesting if there were starving alligators roaming through out the golf course.
If Disney has taught us anything it’s that if you tie enough balloons to your house, you will eventually find a dog.
my feed is like:
ANIMAL CROSSING
eat the billionaires
we are all doomed
ANIMAL CROSSING
gummy bears singing ‘Someone Like You’
ANIMAL CROSSING
we are gonna die
ANIMAL CROSSING
*sharpening guillotines*
ANIMAL CROSSING
ANIMAL CROSSING
SOCIALISM NOW
ANIMAL CROSSING
If by “interests” you mean vices, then sure, I have several outside interests.
I’m so proud of two weeks ago me for anticipating I would want a ripe avocado today
i still can’t believe that my senior class voted me “least likely to let things go”
Well well well, if it isn’t the bridge I said I’d burn when I came to it…
Ate a bowl of Captain Crunch Berries this morning. With blatant disregard for the roof of my mouth.
-thug life
“Why do birds suddenly appear?”
To shit on my newly washed car, that’s why.
Going on vacation is so expensive, but Camp Crystal Lake has the greatest deal this weekend. So I figured, why not? What’s the worst that can happen?
*answering phone* Mom you know instead of calling me you can just text, it’s easier.
*gets text from Mom* It’s your mother. Call me.
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: Hunting accident. I think my friend is dead
911: Can you verify that he’s dead?
*gunshot*
Me: Yep, he’s dead
Just found out I am the last person on earth who does not own an air fryer. And if you think YOU don’t have an air fryer you do, go look in the kitchen. It’s there right? Yeah, told you.
Shout out to the KFC drive-thru attendant who offered me “enough ranch to drown a small child”
Four polite Canadians arrive at a four way stop sign simultaneously.
…The end.
I saved a ton of money on cool sports cars, vacation getaways and NFL season tickets by having children.
We have guests, go get the fancy cups.
Wow, what a moving acceptance speech from John Lithgow:
Bandanas are back in style, it only took a worldwide pandemic.
Mugger: “Hand over your stuff! No funny business!”
*I give him my wallet and phone but not my business proposal to open a clown college*
*travels back in time*
*follows Albert Einstein*
*waits for him to trip*
*yells “Way to go, Einstein!”*
*returns satisfied to present*