ME: i dropped acid almost every day for one year
my son Acid: is that why i can’t do math Dad
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I’m a dentist and I graduated with 68 other ones. I’ve met even more in 13 years as a dentist. None of us have been asked shit about our opinions on toothpastes.
getting home from the airport opening my bag to find nothing but 99 packs of frozen hotdogs. one missing
[at art museum]
Security: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
Me: It needs more yellow
Tonite’s SuperMoon is Super versus October’s FullMoon only if you think 16.05inch pizzas are Super relative to 16inch pizzas
shakespeare: murder most foul…
goose: what the duck did you just say?!
Bon Jovi must be at least 3/4 of the way there by now.
kinda rude that my bank told me how much money i spent on food this month. what if i didn’t want to know that
I let my dog watch “Fifty Shades Of Grey” and he loved it….Which surprised me because, he hated the book.
I’m at Sephora and the makeup artist asked this woman if she was allergic to anything and she said “shrimp”
[overhears girl at work crying because her grandad & her dad died this month]
Me: not all men are like that
*at the vet*
me: my new cat won’t stop hissing
vet: ma’am this is a cockroach
me: oh crap. that pet store ripped me off
I’ve learnt a lot from the movies over the years, such as how to count using Roman numerals…
I, II, III, IV, V, Balboa.
Me to 8: Please stop growing bigger
8: YOU stop growing bigger
And just like that, a sweet moment was ruined
When young and in college, still living at home, I invited my little sister into the room to chat while I wrapped presents. She might have lasted 2 minutes before uttering a disgusted “Give me that!” and taking over. So one year in 60 my presents have looked good.
GF: Can I have some almonds?
Me: Sure I’m done with them.
GF: These are good!
Me: They were better when the chocolate was on them.
People who say that their wedding day was the best day ever have obviously never had a KitKat that turns out to be just solid chocolate.
Let’s watch Star Wars and make out every time kylo ren looks broody
My husband hates sex so much he left on a two week business trip. Three weeks early!
I’m assuming someone paid that frog to croak outside my window all night
Waiter: can I take your order?
Me: [clutching my Amazon package] you most certainly CANNOT
I thought that I heard you laughing.
I thought that I heard you sing.
I think I thought I saw you try to parallel park for twenty minutes.
I relate more to serial killers than people who say they ‘forgot to eat’
Guys, we’ve lost the battle on “I could care less.” Let’s move forward, focus on “should of.”
Every family has a crazy aunt.
Me: Our family doesn’t have one of those.
My sisters’ families:
Me:
My brothers’ families:
Me: Oh.
No smoking? Really? You’re gonna let a fuel delivery system tell you what to do
If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss
I now realize that my mom did not actually have eyes in the back of her head. She just did as I do, randomly yell out “stop it” every 30 min
can you imagine shamir going through the Bad Freelance Experience…… someone’s like “i want u to assassinate this guy” and she quotes them for 2000g and they go “what? that’s so high! doesn’t it only take you two seconds to, like, shoot an arrow?”
Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer had a very shiny nose. Other symptoms of his alcoholism included violent rampages and chronic nausea.
DOCTOR: studies show that social media use reduces attention span
ME: that’s hard to believe
DOCTOR: are you checking your phone?
ME: what?